Wammy's Mental Institute
by SilverWingedRaven
Summary: Wammy's house is officially declared a mental institute. As if we didn't see that coming. Pure crack and randomness I apalogize in advance for any significant decreases in IQ levels due to reading this. T for swearing, pervertedness, and insane levels of stupidity. New readers welcome! Don't worry, the story won't bite! ...That hard
1. Watari's kid hunt

**A/N: I am bored and I can't think of anything for my other stories so I'm starting this. Characters may be very OOC. Oh who am I kidding, they **_**are**_** seriously OOC. I hope it's funny, but it may just be stupid.**

**Warning: Crack. Seriously, you may get high from reading this.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note, it doesn't take a genius to figure that out.**

In a galaxy far far away… A bored teenager sat at her laptop, ripping off starwars. And the she got bored and this crap happened:

About ten years ago, Watari formed 'Wammy's House' to hoard a bunch of children in one place where he can do some perverted things to them. But after getting counseling and leaving his pedophilic ways behind him, he decided to use Wammy's house for better reasons. That being keeping annoying/mentally unstable kids away from the public. And as a way to torture Roger, who would be taking care of said messed up kids. Why? `Cause he hated him for being an all-around douche bag, that's why.

Sadly, no matter how many flyers he sent out, no jacked up kids came to be locked away there. Most people would've given up after this. But not Watari, because he wasn't like most people. He had nineteen toes after all.

So he did the most reasonable thing for deformed old men to do. He grabbed a butterfly net and a camouflage tuxedo and went on a kid-hunt!

He set various traps throughout the city. He put large and pointy bear traps on the sidewalk and banana peels on the other sidewalks. He sat in a trash can by one of his bear traps, waiting for his first victim. Sadly, the only person he caught was Light Yagami and his diary that said 'death note' on it. Watari didn't care for the book, so he threw it at a hobo selling pens.

In a totally unrelated story, everyone on the TVs on display at a nearby TV store died of heart attacks.

Watari simply threw Light's bloody carcass away and waited for his next victim. Hopefully it would be a child with mental issues and unbreakable bones. Like Wolverine.

While Watari fantasized about capturing Wolverine and destroying the X-Men, he did catch a child. He was a boy with snow white hair wearing bloodstained pajamas and writhing back and forth.

"Hey! Old man! Get me out of this bear trap! I'm getting blood all over my puzzle pieces!"

Watari gasped. "A child with white hair? You must have mental issues!"

"Uh, no. I dyed it white because I lost a bet. Now let me down while I can still feel my legs."

"You can't kill hair." Watari scoffed.

"Not died like that, I mean dyed. As in changed the color."

"Witchcraft!"

"No, it's normal. Sheesh, where have you been for the past fifty years?"

Watari wasn't listening because he was dragging the bear trap and Near back to the institute. And to answer his question, Watari had been under a rock. He was looking for grubs.

After the white haired boy was safely secure in his shackles in Watari's basement, he went out to catch even more disturbed minors.

This time, Watari sat in wait by one of his banana peel traps. Shortly after he arrived, another young boy with his eyes glued to a video game slipped on the banana and fell to the ground.

Watari jumped to an amazing height for someone so old and screeched like a young school girl.

"Yay, I caught one!"

"Ow, someone help me! I've fallen and I can't get up!" The red haired victim tried to look around, but with no avail, because as previously stated, his eyes were glued to his video game. Well not so much his eyes but his goggles. If he put glue on his eyes, it would hurt.

"Hush now, little deformed boy. I'm taking you to a special place where you will be fed three whole times a week! And you'll get some super comfy shackles too!"

"What the fuck? I'm not deformed! I actually have a lot of fangirls, you know."

"Sshh messed up little boy. No need to talk with your jacked up little face." Watari cooed as he dragged Matt's limp body to Wammy's house and he was chained up next to Near and they proceeded to discuss Pokémon and Legos and why there aren't any Pokémon Legos.

Watari then returned to the city looking for a third weird child. He saw a blonde kid robbing a candy store, so he just picked him up while he was running away and took him to Wammy's.

"What the hell, man? Get your wrinkled paws off my chocolate!"

"Shut up, little girl. I'm taking you to be locked up in a basement for being a retard. Isn't that great?"

"Ok, one, I am not a girl. Two, I'm not a frickin retard!"

"Sure you are. You stole candy and not money. That's just stupid. So stupid, that it's something only a blonde girl would do. Hey, how many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

"I'M NOT A GIRL! And those jokes died years ago!"

"Shut up fatty."

Soon, Matt, Mello, and Near were all tied up in the basement of Wammy's and having pointless conversations about Pikachu's chocolate eating and puzzle building habits.

**A/N: And there you have it. Review me please or they stay chained up forever and this story goes nowhere!**


	2. Cheat Codes!

**A/N: I'm back with more insanity! And thanks so much for the reviews! Three in one day, that's a personal best! I know it's a small number, I'm not that popular…YET! I hope I can beat it this time. Anyway, here comes even more randomness!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything I reference. This goes for the whole story.**

The three boys Matt, Mello, and Near had been trapped in the basement for three months with barely anything to eat or drink. The only reason they were still alive was because they were all cartoon characters and there wouldn't really be a story without them. Plus Matt had this really cool cheat code that worked in the real (cough cartoon cough) world and gave them all eternal youth. Sadly, it wears off after the chapter is over.

On the bright side, he had his action replay with him so everything was going to be alright.

But then Mello ate it thinking it was chocolate.

So on second thought, they were screwed.

Until Near had an idea.

"Maybe if we all thought really hard about a way to get out of here, our psychic abilities will kick in and it'll happen!" The pajama boy said hopefully.

Matt thought it was a great idea. Mello, on the other hand, thought it was stupid and used his psychic abilities to make a flaming piano fall on top of Near. Matt didn't say he thought the idea was good because it's only common sense that you don't argue with a man who has flaming pianos at his disposal.

So the idea was abandoned and they went back to thinking. But Matt was playing Pokémon Yellow at the time so they were soon up to their necks in Pikachus of various sizes and the mountain of Pikachus was only getting higher.

"Matt!" Mello called out from under a wave of the yellow creatures. "Quit thinking about Pikachu!"

"I can't help it! They're just so yellow and cute and… yellow and…yellow… You know they really don't have much going for `em except that they're yellow and cute."

"Then stop thinkin' about `em!"

"I can't! The game is so addictive it's starting to take over my mind!" And then, Matt's head started turning into that of a Pikachu right before their eyes.

Near yelled at him. "Matt, you have to think of a different game or we'll all die!"

"I don't -Pika!- think I can!"

"Just try! Quick, what's even more addictive than Pokémon?"

"What kind of question is that, Near?" Mello butted in. "There's nothing more addictive than Pokémon except drugs and chocolate! Everyone knows that!"

"Then give him some of your chocolate."

"NEVER! MY CHOCOLATE IS MY BABY! MY DELICIOUS, EDIBLE, BABY, THAT LIKES TO BE EATEN BY ME!"

Pika-Matt and Near just stared at Mello for a few minutes thinking he was crazy. But by the time they stopped staring at him, the entire basement was full of Pikachus and Mello and Near were suffocating.

But suddenly, all the Pikachus disappeared and Matt was nowhere in sight. However, there was a red Ferrari where he used to be.

"Oh no! Where did Matt go?" Mello asked. "He still owes me a Hersheys bar!"

"Who cares, we've got a sweet new ride." Near responded.

Suddenly, the car grew eyes and a mouth and the two boys let out a scream.

"It's Lighting McQueen! You and you're tow truck buddy stay away from me!" Mello yelled.

The car spoke up. "I'm not Lightning McQueen, Mells."

"How do you know my name?" Mello asked, terrified.

"It's me, Matt. I started thinking about Grand Theft Auto at the last second. Sadly, it turned me into a car, a Ferrari no less. I wanted to be a Mercedes…" He grumbled.

"Nice thinking, Matt." Near said. "If you hadn't done that, we would've died."

"No you wouldn't. I used a cheat code that made us immortal for one chapter, remember? Sheesh, didn't you read the beginning of the chapter at all?"

"Wait" Mello interrupted. "So we're immortal for this entire chapter no matter what?"

"Yep" Matt and Near said in unison.

"Oh. That's cool"

"Don't you have an idea of what to do with our temporary immortality?" Near questioned.

"Nope. Why?"

"Well you were setting it up like you did."

"Who cares what Mello may or may not have thought of? I have an idea." Matt said as he used his newfound psychic abilities to change back into a human and teleport back into the anime.

"Where did he go?" Mello asked.

"I have a pretty good idea…" Near responded.

"… Well don't leave me hangin' tell me what it is!"

"You'll see. Just keep reading."

"hmph. Fine."

Back in the anime, the immortal Matt had teleported back to the day he died. He was in his car, surrounded by that one, no-longer-important, lady's body guards. He stepped out of his car with his hands up just as he did the first time. This time, however, he was silent and waited for them to shoot.

When they finally did, the bullets just fazed through him and killed the other guards surrounding him. After that, there were a few still alive, so he used another cheat code, enabling him to summon the fourth Hokage and they used a double rasengan on the remaining gaurds. Matt then teleported back to the basement and the Hokage, back to his grave in the Naruto universe.

"Wow Matt, that was so epic!" Mello gushed. "I wanna try!" His expression then hardened in concentration and he began to turn blue.

"Don't over exert yourself Mello." Near cautioned. "We don't have any fresh pants."

Mello then kicked Near in the face. "Shut up, Near."

Matt butted in. "Well we don't. we've been wearing the same clothes for months."

"Actually, it's been three months." Near interrupted.

Matt then punched him in the face. "That is a sad attempt at comedy, even for you."

Matt and Mello then laughed like people on those old family TV shows do when the episode is over and the screen fades to black.

And just like that, the chapter was over and the screen faded to black.


	3. Misa's Kira Campaign

**A/N: …I am focusing on this pile of randomness so much more than I should be. I'm so neglectful to my other stories. Oh well, me hopes you likey this chapter!**

**P.S, I hate on Misa. Sorry, Misa-fans, if you even exist.**

Roger had finally received permission from Watari to let the kids out of the basement. Mostly, because the government found out they were hoarding and neglecting them and if they left them there, they would be fined. Being a cheapskate, Watari couldn't allow this, so he forced Roger to give them edible food, blankets, and to Orphanage-School them. Orphanage-Schooling kids was a lot like home-schooling kids, except a lot less effective and a lot more boring for both sides.

"Alright boys, sit down and shut up, it's time to learn. Or at least pretend you are to get these government agents off my back." Roger shot a quick look at the spies trying to hide behind curtains and lamps.

"Anyway, so our universe started with the big bang and-" Roger was cut off by a gigantic yellow Hummer crashing through the wall, crushing the agents and Roger's foot.

A slutty blonde woman with a stupid look on her face emerged from the truck and turned to Roger, who was now screaming in pain, because she stopped the car on his foot.

"Hold it right there, ugly old man!" She said, pointing a manicured finger at him. "What do you think you're doing to these poor kids?" The boys just sat there and stared at them, snickering at Roger's obvious pain.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Roger responded, not even acknowledging her question.

"I'll tell you what you were doing; you were torturing them with your evil words of math!"

"Actually, miss." Near piped up. "He was teaching us science stuff."

"Shut up!" the woman yelled as she bitch-slapped Near across the face, knocking him over and causing Matt and Mello to laugh hysterically.

"As I was saying, you were torturing them with your mathy words of… of… Line?" She yelled looking to her left.

"Evil!" A voice called out from the left.

"Evil!" She repeated, jabbing her finger at Roger, who was still SHFAO (SHFAO= screaming his fat ass off) "I mean just look at these poor little guys!" She grabbed Matt and Mello and shoved them at a camera that had apparently been there the whole time. They smiled and waved.

"NO, LOOK SAD!" She screamed at them as she punched them in the faces, causing unsightly bruises and unmanly tears. She turned back towards the camera. "See?"

She then pushed them off screen and approached the camera. "Hi I'm…" She looked at the scribbles on the palm of her hand. "Mee…Sa…A…Man…eh… and I'm here to tell you to stop all of this senseless violence. Everyday kids are being bored literally to death by stupid math teachers who don't know when to shut up." The camera zoomed in on a screaming Roger, who was blue in the face now. "Math is killing innocent kids and the current Kira is doing nothing about it. That's why I want you" She pointed at the camera, Uncle Sam style, "to vote for me, Misa Amane, to be the next Kira! Because together, we can kill all the teachers, and math books, in the world. Think of the children!"

Words then flew across the bottom of the screen saying: Misa Amane for Kira. And in a smaller font, words that said: Warning: the Misa Amane agency is not responsible for the current Kira killing Misa because of this, the current Kira killing you for voting for her, the largest math teacher massacre ever, the shortage of math books worldwide, or the current Kira killing you for believing that you could vote for the next Kira. Seriously, why would you believe that? That's just dumb.

"And… CUT! That's a wrap, folks." The mysterious voice to the left from earlier called. Suddenly, all of the walls fell down, revealing a bustling studio behind them and a bunch of people with boom mics. They quickly packed everything up except for the Hummer crushing Roger and left.

Soon it was just Matt, Mello, Near, and an unconscious Roger sitting in a dark studio. (Roger had passed out due to excessive screaming and boringness.) The boys then grew hungry and ate Roger's fat and juicy body. Because despite the government's warnings, he had not attempted to feed them anything but tofu, which we all know is gross and unfit for humans (or Misas) to eat.

Then, the authoress of this story realized this chapter was really short, so she made Near and Mello turn into ballet dancing transformers and have a never ending battle to the death because robots can't die. She then gave Matt a pony, because Matt was her favorite and they rode off into the sunset. Luckily, they were wearing fireproof clothes. Yes, the pony was wearing clothes. And before you say anything critical, it looked awesome in it's skinny jeans.

And then she ran out of ideas and realized she kept using the word 'then' and should stop typing the random crap that she was thinking at the time `cause nobody really cares about that.

And L ate cake in a hot tub in his mansion in Switzerland.

And Misa died because she wouldn't leave Light alone and he was Kira so he can do that kind of thing.

And L ate cake :)

**A/N: I like cake… Please review, you make me so happy!**

**Edit 8/18/12: I just realized this entire thing could be one gigantic drug joke. Math sounds like meth and it's killing kids. Wow, I am so deep and I didn't even realize ;)**

**Hehe... Yeah**


	4. Saturday

**A/N: I can't believe I'm double posting this. I was supposed to double post King of the Jungle… YESTERDAY. Oh well ;) enjoy!**

It was Saturday, as you should already know by the chapter's title, and that meant it was Mello's turn on the computer the boys… _Borrowed_ from Roger.

He was feeling particularly self-absorbed today, so he went on Google images and typed in 'Death Note Mello'. After staring at fan-arts of him for hours and complementing himself on how sexy these fangirls made him look, he decided to look up pictures of him and his best friend Matt. So he typed in 'Death Note Mello and Matt' in the search bar.

And what he saw was either disturbing or beautiful, depending if you like yaoi or not.

To Mello, this was horrifying. There were pictures of him and Matt kissing and doing some things that would probably get a story removed from this site. He just about threw up his brain when he saw those. Matt noticed Mello's shocked expression and came over to see what was wrong. When he saw the pictures, he literally threw up his brain. But then his pony that he had named Yoshi shoved it back in his head and he was OK. Matt and Mello then stared at the screen in horror for the next seven days until it was Saturday again. They both then got up and left to go do things that had nothing to do with the beginning of this chapter. Seriously.

No, I'm not kidding. They weren't even in the same room. Perverts. Mello ate cereal and Matt got in a high speed chase with the cops on Yoshi.

Oh you would like me to go into detail? Alright, with which one? Psh, as if I even need to ask.

Let's see, Mello went into the kitchen to find Near scrubbing the floor with a pair of socks.

"Why are you doing that?" Mello inquired.

"Because the floor's dirty. Duh."

"I mean why clean it with socks?"

"Because socks are no fun and deserve to DIE" Near said glaring murderously at the socks. "And besides, the broom belongs to the witch that would play poker with us in the basement and if I touch it I'll get turned into something cliché like a frog or a toad or something."

"ooookkkaay…" Mello said as he looked through the cereal cabinet. "Let's see… too fruity… too fiber-y… too boring-y… Near, why don't we have any good cereal?"

"We do."

"LIAR!" Mello screamed, freaking out.

"I'm not lying. Those cereals are very good for you, unlike the chocolate you're always eating."

That was crossing the line for Mello, so he called up the witch. "Hey, Witch? Yeah, Near's paying with your broom. Okay. Buh-bye." He hung up just in time to see Witch Princess from Harvest Moon appear in front of him, bitch-slap Near, turn him into a teddy bear, and disappear with him.

Now back to the problem at hand. Mello still had no good cereal. So, using his handy dandy cell phone, he called up Kira, the renowned cereal killer. He had to know where to find some good breakfast food.

"Hello, this is Kira."

"Hey, Kira, this is the guy that will one day arrest you. Anyway, I need your help. You're a cereal killer, right?"

"That I am."

"Then do you thing you could hook me up with some Coco Puffs?"

"What?"

"You know, Coco Puffs. Like 'I'm coocoo for Coco Puffs'? With the hyperactive orange bird?"

"…I am a serial killer, kid. Not a cereal killer. I know nothing about cereal; just eat some toast!"

"Who eats toast anymore?"

"Ugh. Fine, then eat some Pop Tarts or something! Dang crazy, good for nothing kids…"

Then Kira hung up and Mello was left to solve his dilemma alone. Just then, a bright light appeared in front of him with a tiny fairy inside.

"Hello, Mello." The sprite said. "I am your fairy godmother, here to help you get some cereal."

"AAHH!" Mello screamed. "SPIDER!" he then began to pound the 'spider' into the wall.

"Ouch! Mihael, stop it!" she cried.

Mello gasped. "How do you know my name?"

"Because I'm your fairy godmo-"

"STALKER SPIDER!" Mello interrupted and continued smashing her tiny, magical body until she was nothing but a pile of pixie dust.

He then started pacing around the room. "How am I gonna get some decent cereal when nobody wants to help me?" He questioned to nobody in particular. He then spotted the pile of pixie dust on the floor which looked a lot like a pile of shredded chocolate (Or mouse poop. Depends on your perspective.)

"Ooh, chocolate!" He licked up the dust. "Now back to business. Oh, I wish I had some chocolate cereal!"

And then, as if by magic, a bowl of some random brand of chocolate cereal appeared in Mello's hands. Ok, it wasn't 'as if by magic' it was actually by magic. He just ate pixie dust, what would you expect? Realizing he had magical powers, Mello ate his cereal and pondered what to do with them. He could bring world peace. Or he could end hunger. Or he could cure baldness.

Then it came to him. The best idea ever that would benefit everyone. "I wish the rainforests… WERE MADE OF CHOCOLATE!" And then the rainforests became the chocolate forests where it rains a lot.

Mello immediately sprang into action. He got on a plane and traveled to a bunch of 'chocolate forests where it rains a lot' and ate them. And that is why we have pretty much no rainforests left. What, you thought it was because of mankind's constant thirst for fuel tearing them down? Of course not, don't be silly! It's because Mello abused his powers and is completely addicted to chocolate.

So next time you need to blame an environmental disaster/ the destruction of our planet on something, blame Mello. Or your younger siblings. Either is fine.

But chocolate is never to blame. Civilization would not exist without chocolate. Don't check this information; it is fact. Chocolate=Civilization. Just ask Mello.

"I LOVE CHOCOLATE!" Mello yelled from his chocolate induced coma.

**A/N: Yay chocolate! Don't worry, Mello will wake up soon. Now please review!**


	5. TV Time

**A/N: I'm bored and I think I'm having a writer's block :( But nonetheless, I've decided to force this out of my brain, into my fingers, and onto the keyboard, where I then proceeded to submit this to the magical world we call the internet.**

**I am sorry if this sucks or makes you even dumber than the previous chapters already have.**

**I own nothing. Su me. My lawyer will kick your ass. Literally, he's a ninja named Rock Lee (lol Naruto fans xD)**

One day at Wammy's Mental Institute (Yes, I actually renamed the place too) Matt, Mello, and Near were all letting their brains rot by watching TV.

"You know, the name is very misleading." Mello piped up. "This is on 'cartoon network' but these are real people."

"Yeah, and this show's not even entertaining." Near chimed in. "They just do the same thing every episode. The guy yells, something gets destroyed, the guy yells some more, the kids fail at building some useless shit, the guy yells, the kids beat the shit out of each other and the landscape with their machines of evil, the guy yells again, and then he destroys some kid's hard work right before their eyes, and then the guy yells and it's over."

Matt and Mello stared at Near for a few moments. "What the fuck, Near?" Matt exclaimed. "We're not even watching that show; We're watching Phineas and Ferb."

Mello snickered. "Haha, who's the smartest now, douchebag?"  
"I am" Matt stated, turning to glare at Mello. "Because Phineas and Ferb is only aired on Disney Channel and Disney XD."

The blonde was silenced for a moment. "Curse you, Matt the platypus."

Matt smirked, but then turned to Near. "Hey, weren't you turned into a teddy bear a chapter or so ago?"

Near nodded. "Yes but this nice little girl called Witchkin or something turned me back and saved me from Witch Princess. However, she then tried to turn me into a frog. The spell failed, but I have been experiencing some… side-effects."

"…Like…?" Mello pried.

"Nothing major" He replied, snatching a random fly out of the air with his overly long frog tongue. How cliché. What wasn't cliché was the man-eating lawn mower that burst through the wall and turned their TV to mulch and then proceeded to grind up Roger, who somehow came back to life after being eaten in chapter three.

After laughing their little asses off for about three hours after that all went down, they passed out, and awoke to find themselves in a very strange place…

"WHY THE FUCK ARE WE SURROUNDED BY COWS?" Yes they were in a gigantic field packed with cows. Because I'm original.

Matt looked around for a moment. "So… what are we supposed to do here?"

"For once, I don't know." Near responded, his head bowed in shame.

Mello laughed. "Haha, Near doesn't know what to do!"

"Oh, and you do?"

"…Your mom!"

"Ok, 1 that didn't even make sense and 2, I DON'T KNOW MY MOM, WE'RE ORPHANS!"

Matt interrupted "Actually, in this story, Watari just kidnapped us without any knowledge of if we had parents or not."

Mello and Near glared at Matt. "STOP DISSRESPECTING THE ACTUAL STORY LINE!" They yelled in unison.

"I'M NOT, THE AUTHORESS IS JUST BEING A BIT CREATIVE!" He yelled back.

All of the yelling, however, seemed to aggravate the cows and they all pulled out ninja swords and attacked the three boys. Suddenly, Matt, Mello, and Near all went super-saiyan and shot a group ka-me-ha-me-ha at the cows. The blast was strong enough to destroy the entire universe. The cows approached the energy blast at full speed with their swords raised high and-

**The following scene is so graphic, violent, and completely awesome, that your feet would fall off if you were to read it. If you do not have any feet then your hands would fall off. Or your butt. Or some other appendage.**

Matt, Mello, and Near all walked back into Wammy's and continued to watch TV. And that's it. Nothing else happened. The end. Goodbye.

**A/N: That's all I got. If you have any ideas for the random crap these guys (or any DN characters) should do in later chapters, tell me in a review and I'll make it happen!**


	6. The Sailor Song

**A/N: …I don't really have much to say except that the topic was by request of a reviewer :) I wasn't kidding when I said tell me what you want and it'll happen. I'll still use some of my own ideas too, of course.**

**And without further ado, THE SAILOR SONG, DEATH NOTE STYLE! (I don't own either of those!)**

**Warning: It's the sailor song. Nothing too bad in here except the actual lyrics**

Fast forward a few years and the three boys imprisoned by Watari and Roger are 19. Sadly, they are still in the basement living off of breadcrumbs and tofu. But mostly breadcrumbs because NOBODY likes tofu. At least nobody with their tongue intact anyway.

But one day, after sitting around and doing nothing but terrorize a colony of ants that had wandered in (Hey mister ant, MEET MRS. FOOT! Mr. Foot: Hey mister ant, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY WIFE!) they started having a group imagination session. (What, you guys don't do that?)

"Ok guys" Near began. "Let's imagine we're movie stars!"

"Why movie stars?" Mello inquired.

"Because unlike us, they have a ton of girls drooling over them."

"Ok, there are two things wrong with that statement" Matt chimed in. "Firstly, we do have a bunch of girls drooling over us; they're called fangirls, dumbass. Secondly, some of those girls want to do some messed up things to those movie stars, I mean, have you HEARD girls talking about Johnny Depp? It's just gross."

"Yeah and besides, sailors get way more chicks." Mello added.

"Yeah, like fifty years ago." Near scoffed

"Well then let's imagine we're sailors from like fifty years ago." Matt suggested.

"Good idea Matt." Mello and Near said in unison. Then Mello's expression soured. "How come you always come up with the ideas and look all smart and cool?"

"Because, SilverWingedRaven plays favorites, and she believes I am much smarter, cuter, and all around awesomer than you two. That's why I have a pony named Yoshi." Matt explained, gesturing to the pony sleeping on a pile of newspapers in the back of the basement.

"…screw you." Mello growled.

"Now now, let's not be violent and just start imagining." Near ordered in a very polite but still demanding way if that even makes sense.

##And so the imagination process begins##

##And since I'm not creative The Sailor Song starts playing in the background##

##WITH DANCING BUNNIES##

##IN HULA SKIRTS##

##There's the creativity :) ##

"Oh my gosh, Near, we look like sailors!" Matt exclaimed.

"Yeah that's so cool!" Mello commented. "…Wait a sec, why am I dressed like a girl?"

"Because" Near stated, "There's a girl in the song playing in the background. That and because you've got girly hair and the legs for that dress."

Mello posed. "Aw, you think so? I wasn't sure I would look good in something so strappy but-"

Matt butted in. "Ok, let's stop right there. How is this even happening, I thought we were imagining."

"Well, we all came together, we all knew what to do…" Near mumbled.

"Excuse me?" Mello questioned.

"Lyrics."

"Oh."

"Anyway, if we are following the lyrics to the song those bunnies are dancing to," Near continued "Then soon we should be 'racing all around the seven seas, chasing all the girls and making robberies'."

"Ok then." Matt said. "Let's find some boats and chase Mello around, Near!"

"Hey!" Mello yelled.

So they ran around until they found an old lady with two boats.

"Hey grandma! Hand over the boats or die!" Near threatened, pulling a Taser out of nowhere.

"Oh my, please don't take my boats! I need them so my husband and I can travel back to the small island where we were born to live out the remainder of our lives in peace. It's all we want, can't you respect an old woman's final wishes?" She asked, a tear rolling down her wrinkly face.

Near thought about it for a moment, but before he could do anything, Mello stepped in. "Not a chance, wrinkle-sack!" He then proceeded to clobber her with his high heels. They then stole her boats and chased Mello in them on the water for a while.

"Ok, so that's that part of the lyrics done. What's next?" Matt inquired looking to Near.

The bunnies then began to sing:

Causing panic everywhere they go

Party-hardy on Titanic

"…" All three boys just stared at the fuzzy creatures for a while in shock. Those rabbits were… WEARING HULA SKIRTS! That's insanity! Animals shouldn't wear clothes! That's as sick and wrong as heated water whenever you want it!

Since they were so disturbed and lazy, they decided to skip that part of the song and listened for the next part.

Sailing, sailing, jumping off the railing

Drinking, drinking 'till the ship is sinking

Gambling, stealing, lots of sex-appealing

And so, they threw themselves off of whatever rails they could find, resulting in many small cuts, a crying Near, and ahem, "boo boos" galore. They then got wasted on apple juice at Chuck E Cheeses while the rodent in charge of the establishment chewed many holes in their boats. Matt then bet his DS on a game of go fish with Near, lost it, and then immediately stole it back while Mello got hired to be a model for Cover Girl and went to a bikini shoot. `Cuz he's got the legs for it.

After Mello was done getting mobbed by love sick guys ("Leave me alone! I don't swing that way! Not in this fic!") the three boys sat down and listened to the bunnies sing the next part of the song.

Sailorman, you really turn me on

Now the guys are gone, come and let us get it on

Girls like me are pretty hard to find

So if you go, I'll kick your Heine

"…I don't wanna screw Mello." Near whispered.

"Me neither. Besides, that is WAY too graphic for some of the people that might read this." Matt whimpered back.

"Hey!" Mello shrieked. "I'm not even a girl! And nobody's gonna be screwing anybody as far as our readers know."

"Suggestive." Near smirked.

"Pervert." Mello growled.

"Well, if we're done speaking in one word sentences, I'd like to get out of here." Matt interrupted.

"But look!" Misa exclaimed, popping out of the ground much like a gopher. "The cute little fuzzy things are doing something!" They all turned their heads to see what the bunnies were doing when a truck backed over Misa.

Karma.

Two of the bunnies pulled out knives and faced each other. One held a butter knife, the other, a steak knife.

"Now, let's fight!" The smaller bunny demanded, holding up it's butter spreading utensil.

"Ha, that's not a knife, this is a knife!" The other bunny boasted, thrusting it's steak knife forward.

Matt stepped up and took something out of his jacket. "And this is a gun." He plainly stated before he shot the two bunnies in the head and they disintegrated.

Seeing their fallen comrades, the other bunnies pounced on the two boys and Mello ("Hey!") trying to rip them apart, because despite their cuteness, bunnies are terrifying creatures. Something that poops thousands of pellets a day can be nothing but pure evil!

But then Yoshi, Matt's pony, came flying in and used his kung fu skills to pry the bunnies off of the boys, leaving them in a furry heap. All of the boys then mounted Yoshi and rode off into the sunset dramatically.

**A/N: SO, how was it? Much longer than the last one, thank goodness.**

**Ideas? Tell me! Please review even if you don't have any :)**

**Oh and this story has ten reviews now! YAY DOUBLE DIGITS! I'm so happy *sniffle sniffle* thank you guys SO FREAKING MUCH!**


	7. Martial Arts with L

**A/N: Ok, the content of this chapter was partially my idea, but I used a reviewer's idea in it too. I'm still open if anyone else has ideas. I love your ideas :) Plus I'm too lazy to come up with good quality content on my own all the time and I don't want this fic to get neglected like my others. D:**

**Oh and everyone else who suggested stuff or mentioned something I should do in your review, I'm working on it as we speak! Or as you read. Unless you're reading this after I posted them. Oh whatever, I'm confusing myself.**

**I own nothing except Yoshi and the crazy storyline (if this even counts as a storyline). Enjoy your crack!**

"Hey Matt?"

Matt glanced up from his Gameboy. "Yeah Mels?"

"Have you ever noticed that most animes/mangas are either martial art or magic based?"

"Actually yes, I have."

"Why don't we do that? The whole Death Note series, I mean. The only person who might actually be able to defend themselves without a gun is L. Everybody else needs a weapon or they're screwed."

"Hm… Maybe we should do something about that."

Near suddenly popped up out of nowhere. "What exactly do you propose?"

"That we take martial arts so we can stop being outcasts of the anime world!"

"Huzzah! The red-headed one proposes an idea!" Near and Mello both cheered in a very Viking-like fashion.

"…What the fuck was that?"

"We are celebrating you, oh great one!"

"…"

"Huzzah!"

"Are you two gonna do that all chapter?"

"If the red-headed one wishes it so, then we shall! Huzzah!"

"Stop it."

"Huzzah! Er, we mean, OK!"

##

"So, you three want me to teach you martial arts?" said a certain legendary super Saiyan.

"Yes sir, Broly sir!" All three boys said in unison.

"Well too bad, I don't teach humans or anyone for that matter. Now get out of my TV show."

As the boys sulked away, Near commented, "It's not_ your_ TV show. It's Goku's."

Near is now missing three fingers, a leg, and a butt cheek.

That's why you don't mess with Broly, kids. Or anyone who can go super Saiyan for that matter.

After hours of endless walking, the three boys finally got back to their own TV show and found L's HQ. They were planning on making L teach them Martial arts. Or at least how to kick people in the face like ninjas.

"Alright guys, listen up." Mello said while wearing a ninja outfit. "We're gonna have to break into the Japanese Police Head Quarters. I have a master plan. It will be difficult, but if you do as I say then we- Het! Guys, where'd you go?" Mello asked, looking frantically from side to side.

**They're already in the building.**

"Aahh! Who said that?"

**Me.**

"Who are you?"

**I… Am… THE AUTHORESS!**

"Ok… But how did they get in? Ooh, did they repel in through the ceiling on ropes? Or did they crawl in through the sewer system? Or maybe they-"

**They walked in through the door.**

"…Well that's boring."

**So is this conversation. Now stop wasting everyone's time and go inside so we can get back to the story.**

"Ok…" Mello grumbled as he trudged inside.

When the blonde got inside, he found Matt and Near yelling at some guy with brown hair **(A/N: I am so descriptive :p)**

"What do you mean L's dead?" Near questioned.

"I mean the original L isn't here. I didn't say he was dead. He's over in the Dragon Ball Z universe eating cake with Goku."

"Aw man, we were just in that universe…" Matt moped.

"Well if you want, I can help you. I'm the second L, Light Imagay."

All three of the boys stifled a laugh. "Y-You're a gay?"

"No, it's pronounced Imagay, not Youragay."

"I think you're reading your last name backwards. The Death Note cast has someone called 'Light Yagami' but not 'Light Imagay'." Near giggled.

"Uh, nope. My script for this chapter clearly states my name is 'Light Imagay'."

**You fool! You can't tell them there's a script! You're not even supposed to know you're in a story!**

They all looked up. "Who's that?" Near questioned.

"That's the Authoress." Mello answered.

"Yeah right, I'll bet it's Kira talking through the intercoms."

**HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF BEING KIRA! I SHAL PROVE I AM THE AUTHORESS BY TORTURING BUT NOT QUITE KILLING MATSUDA!**

Matsuda looked up from his Misa-Misa magazine. "What?"

Suddenly, a bunch of vultures flew in and gave Matsuda a swirly, nearly drowning him, but not quite.

They all looked to the ceiling with a look of horror and amusement on their faces. "O-Okay, I'll believe you." Near said.

**Good, now get back to the story.**

"Okie dokie!" Mello chirped. "Hey Light, can you teach us martial arts and stuff so Death Note isn't an outcast among animes anymore?"

"Sure." Light replied with a smile. "Why not?"

**Because I say you are unworthy! You are way too much of a priss to teach them martial arts! I'll get L!**

Suddenly L fell from the ceiling. "Whoa, where am I?"

**Teaching those three awkward young men martial arts. Go.**

"Ok" L smiled. "But I better be getting paid in cake!"

**You will be.**

"Yay! Come on kids, I'm gonna teach you how to hurt people!"

"Yay!" the three boys cheered as L guided them to a conveniently placed dojo.

Light looked up at the ceiling. ""I'm a priss?" he whined.

**Yes. You are a priss, a weenie, a pansy, a wuss, a wimpy little girl scout who kills people with a note book when they don't buy her cookies.**

"How did you know about the last one?"

**I know everything. But don't worry little girl, you're still cute.**

"Yay!" Light giggled before skipping off. And Soichiro who had no part to play in this story until this very moment, facepalmed.

##Meanwhile in the dojo##

"Ok, lesson one out of one: to master martial arts, you must break stuff!" L instructed. "Now Mello, I want you to run and jump at this piece of wood and kick it in midair. Got it?"

"Ok!" The blonde cheered as he ran towards the board. However, halfway there, he tripped and smashe the board with his face.

"Good job, Mello! You broke the board! Now you get a gold star." L cooed like a kindergarten teacher as he put a gold star sticker on Mello's forehead.

"Yay, gold star!" Mello yelled, jumping up and down like a giddy school girl.

L turned to Near. "Ok, Near, you're up!"

"Alright!" Near grunted, running towards the piece of wood. He also tripped halfway there and flew at the board, hitting it with the majority of his body.

"Sorry Near, the board's still intact. No gold star for you."

"ARE YOU FLIPPIN' KIDDING ME I JUST BROKE THREE RIBS!" Near just about exploded, his face turning red.

"Don't be a crybaby." L scolded "Alright Matt, your turn." He looked over at Matt who was leaning against a wall and playing DS.

"In this Pokeathalon I'm in, my Togepi broke 50 stone blocks." Matt responded, not looking up from his game.

"Is that some kind of Pokémon related record?"

"Yes."

"Ok, I guess you get a gold star then." L stuck a gold star on Matt's forehead, causing the redhead to smile cutely in the way only gamers can.

Mello piped up. "Does this mean that Death Note is one of those martial arty animes?"

**Nope.**

"Then why'd we do all of that?"

**Because it was amusing.**

"That sucks. It means we're still outcasts…" L went over to Mello and put a hand on his shoulder.

"We're not outcasts, Mello. Ours is just a different type of show that doesn't fit the anime stereotypes. That's a good thing. You should try to change our show."

Mello's eyes welled with tears. "Wow, man. That was deep."

"Amen." Near concluded.

And they all lived happily ever after. Except the people who refused to buy Light's girl scout cookies. The end.

**A/N: Tada! This is my longest chapter yet! Yays! Anyway, please review and gimme your ideas if you have any :D**


	8. Hershey Park

**A/N: Chapter 8… Wow, this is my longest fic so far and it's a crack fic! Weird. Oh well I see many stupidity filled chapters in the future. This chapter was also by a reviewer's request.**

**So. Many. Requests. Sorry if it takes a while and if I don't go in order but ALL REQUESTS SHALL BE FULLFILLED! Just be patient.**

On a hot summer day, Matt, Mello and Near were riding Yoshi. They were going to take Mello to Hershey Park for his half birthday. And so, they all mounted Yoshi and ran across the ocean at supersonic speeds to get to Pennsylvania where Mello proceeded to eat the entire park and everyone in it. The end.

Just kidding. They had to fly in a plane like boring normal people. In fact, they were in third class. ("Do you know who I am? DO YOU NOT RECOGNIZE THIS FACE? I am Mello! I demand entrance to first class for my colleagues and I!" "Sir, I feel obliged to tell you that Mello is not a real name." "Of COURSE not, it's an alias!" "Please tell me your name." "No way, douche bag, ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME KILLED?" "Sir, get out of line, or I'm calling security." "You just want my name because you're Kira, aren't you?")

So Mello and the others got dragged off by security. Later, they ran into problems at third class too. ("Sir please let go of the pony. We cannot allow him in the same compartment as people." "NOT MY YOSHI! HORSES ARE PEOPLE TOO YOU KNOW, HAVEN'T YOU EVER PLAYED ANIMAL CROSSING?")

And soon they were on a plane. And they stayed on that plane for hours. Sitting in silence. Boring boring silence.

B

O

R

I

N

G

.

Silence.

Which was broken when Near started blowing it up in the bathroom.

Damn airplane food. Eating that can mess a guy up. Exhibit A: Near.

Eventually, they did make it to Pennsylvania. And by the miracle of creative writing, Near's butt was intact and his bowels were no longer having a seizure. However, when they arrived at the gate of Hershey Park, Mello's excited smile turned into the frown of a pissed off teenager. And we all know the crazy shit that teenagers do when they get pissed off. They do things like LITTERING and eat dessert BEFORE THE MAIN COURSE! Those monsters.

Near noticed Mello's pout. "What's wrong Mello?"

Mello slowly turned his head towards Near in such a way that it looked creepy and utterly terrifying. "This park… It's not…made of chocolate, is it?"

"Of course not silly. It's a theme park, if it was chocolate all of the rides would melt."

"IF YOU KNEW THAT IT WASN'T MADE OF CHOCOLATE THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE WE HERE?"

"B-Because it'll be fun?"

"FUCK NO IT WON'T BE ANY FUCKING FUN! I HAD TO SIT IN A CRAMPED LAME-ASS AIRPLANE WITH NOTHIN TO DO BUT LISTEN TO YOU TRY TO MAKE A SHIT TO GET TO THIS GOD DAMN THEME PARK EXPECTING IT TO BE MADE OF CHOCOLATE, BUT WHEN I GET HERE I FIND OUT IT'S MADE OF METAL AND WOOD AND GLUE AND SHIT! SO NOW I'M ALL PISSED OFF AND THIS IS OFFICIALLY THE WORST HALF BIRTHDAY OF MY FUCKING LIFE!"

"Mello, please refrain from cursing so much. Children may be reading this."

"WELL THEN THAT'S THEIR FUCKING PROBLEM FOR NOT LOOKING AT THE FUCKING RATING!"

"…Done yet?"

Mello took a deep breath. "Yep. Now where's Matt? I wanna go in and he has our passes."

"I don't know. Let's ask the authoress!"

"ok!"

They both took a deep breath and yelled toward the sky in sync, "Oh authoress! Come out come out wherever you are!"

**What. The. Hell. Guys, you can't just call on me whenever you have a problem and expect me to fix it. And by the way, it's a capital A in Authoress. It's my name. I deserve to be capitalized. Seriously, what do they teach you at that mental institute?**

"Roger teaches us how to finger paint and be lazy." Mello chirped.

"Yeah, we go to classes like 'Being Fat 101' and 'How to Stay Single Forever'." Near added.

**Oh right. Roger teaches you. Anyway, I'll be nice and Make Matt and Yoshi appear in front of you. SHAZAM!**

Matt and Yoshi then appeared right above Mello and Near and crushed them.

**Uh, I meant to do that. Now quit being posers and do something at the park, that's what this chapter's supposed to be about!**

"Yes Sir, Authoress sir!" They all saluted in unison. Except Yoshi, who sounded more like a horse trying to be a real boy. Which is just stupid because we all know Yoshi's a pony.

**I'm a girl, stupid. Hence, I am the Author**_**ess**_**. Whatever, just go.**

"Yes Ma`am, Authoress ma`am!" they all then ran (or trotted I guess. Near had a limp from being crushed by a pony) into the park to go satisfy Mello's half birthday needs.

##

"But Matt, I wanna ride the dinosaurs!"

"No, Mello. You're too old and too tall."

"But I waaaaaannnaaaa!"

"Too bad. We're going home, Yoshi's already thrown up three times and Near's bowels are spazzing out again. Ugh, I told him not to eat those airplane burritos."

"Just once? Pleeeeeeeaaaaaaaassssse?"

"If you can convince them to let you on the ride, then fine. But then we're going back to England."

"Okay!" Mello then skipped off to the kiddie ride.

##

"For the millionth time, sir, I can't let you on the ride." The guy operating the kiddie ride with the dinosaurs groaned.

"Pleeeeaaaassse?"

"No."

"I'll let you pet my pony."

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"You're too tall and too fat. Seriously, what classes have you been taking, 'Being Fat 101'?"

"Yes." Mello answered casually.

"…The answer is still no."

"Mello ripped the height sign from the ground and held it by his head so he was the perfect height and smiled at the employee.

The guy smiled back. "Ok, now you can ride." He opened the little gate separating Mello from his dinos.

"YAY!" Mello skipped inside like a giddy school girl and sat down on the nearest dino.

Eventually, after the slow rotation of the ride had stopped, Mello emerged, looking dizzy and with puke on his pants.

"Wow Mello" Matt commented as his bestest amigo approached him. "That was some epic slowness out there."

"I know right! So much adrenaline! I think I'm gonna hurl…" Mello then barfed in the handbag of a woman standing near him who turned out to be none other than Misa-Misa herself. Seeing this, Misa barfed and whatever Misa does must be cool and fashionable, so everyone else at the park started throwing up too. The trend then spread to the rest of Pennsylvania, and then to the rest of the United States. Soon, the trend had spread across the world and everyone was stuck in an endless cycle of vomit.

Until one day, they realized how stupid they were for thinking barf was a trend and everyone stopped. Oh, and Misa was burnt at a stake like a witch.

"And that, Sayu" Mr. Yagami said while turning toward his daughter. "Is why grass is green. Because of barf and Misa-Misa."

Sayu rolled her eyes. "No, it's because of chlorophyll and stuff. You're stupidity pissed me off. Now I have to go litter."

"NO SAYU, DON'T DO IT! THINK OF THE PLANET!"

"I don't care about the planet, dad. Besides, it's Mello's fault for eating the rain forests!"

"Lousy teenagers."

**A/N: THE END! I hope you liked this chapter and I wanna give a big thank you and hug to everyone who reviewed for making this my most reviewed story! I love you all :D**


	9. Cooking with MNM

**A/N: I have returned to you with your daily dose of crack! Oh, and this idea is from my buddy Spark of the forgotten. Yes, I'm calling us buddies now :)**

**Anyways, thank you all so much for reviewing! Your reviews are what keep me alive (Who needs food, water, clothes, sunlight, ect)**

**Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing. EXCEPT FOR YOSHI!**

One day, Matt, Mello, Near, and Yoshi were sitting around being lazy posers and watching TV. And then they got up and decided to do something with their lives (They'd long since given up on catching Kira, because that's not very funny, now is it?)

So the boys called up a house renovation TV show they had been watching and had them remodel Wammy's. Watari would have flipped out, but he was in solitary confinement for sneaking into Near's bedroom at night. It was a good thing the sheepy little boy had his rape whistle on him.

The old man's mind was so bent on being a pedophile; it seemed no amount of therapy would help him. So it seems poor Mr. Imagay's efforts were in vain.

Back at Wammy's, the renovation crew had finished and the whole orphanage/torture chamber had been converted onto a giant kitchen. Above the counter was a bright flashing sign that said "Cooking with M`N`M" And in case you're an idiot, M`N`M stands for Matt Near and Mello.

It is also Mello's favorite breakfast cereal. Or rather, a bunch of chocolate candies he would put in a bowl with milk. He would then drain the milk and eat the candies with a spork. Because spoons aren't exciting enough!

The boys also stole the camera crew from Misa's Kira campaign and then began filming.

"Hello everyone! Thank you for tuning in to the first episode of 'Cooking with M`N`M! I am M!" Matt exclaimed to the camera in an overly enthusiastic host kind of way.

Near then popped up from behind the counter. "I am N!"

Mello then appeared next to Matt in a puff of smoke. "And I am also M! Today we will be teaching you how to make strawberry jam! …Wait a sec, strawberry jam? Guys!" He turned towards Matt and Near with a hurt/offended look on his face. "You said we were gonna make stuff with chocolate!"

Near looked at the blonde with an indifferent expression. "Yeah, and we are."

"THERE IS NO CHOCOLATE IN STRAWBERRY JAM!"

"Sure there is."

"NO THEREIS NOT!"

"Um… Look! It's Willy Wonka!" Near then pointed towards an area off camera.

"Really? MR. WONKA I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN! CAN YOU AUTOGRAPH MY CHOCOLATE WRAPPER? Whoa!"

The camera man turned just in time to see Mello dangling on a rope by his ankle.

"Where's Willy Wonka?" Mello asked, looking frantically from side to side.

"Not here." Matt stated before turning towards the camera. "And that is how you get the chocoholic out of the way so you can make other stuff. Onto step two. Near?" The gamer gestured to Near, who was already messing with cooking utensils.

"First you take a bunch of fresh strawberries and beat them with a mallet like so." He then took out a hammer and started beating the life out of the strawberries in such a vicious display that even Kira would have been terrified.

"Next" Near continued. "You scoop up the strawberry guts and put them in a jar. Afterward, you want to sprinkle sugar in the jar, close it, and shake it to mix up the substances." Near dumped a few teaspoons in and shook the jar like a maniac. Every strawberry within 5 miles looked toward the institute in horror.

Matt took the jar once Near was finished abusing the fruit. "And now we find some psychopath to taste it! Everyone please welcome, all the way from Los Angeles, BEYOND BIRTHDAY!" Said criminal then walked up and stood next to Matt.

"Hello, I am Beyond Birthday. You may call me BB. Also, if Kira is watching this, I am a sweet, kind person who gives out candy to children and volunteers at animal shelters. If Kira is not watching, I am a cold hearted criminal who will mutilate you and your loved ones." He then smiled cutely at the camera.

Matt then handed him the jar. "Alright then BB, eat that jam and tell us what you think!" Before Matt even finished his sentence the jar was empty and BB had jam all over his face.

BB turned to Near. "YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON!" He screamed. "HOW DARE YOU SOIL THE NAME OF JAM WITH THIS CRAP! IT TASTES LIKE, WELL CRAP!" He then smashed the jar on Near's head, knocking him out. "I'M SO MAD I COULD KILL SOMEONE!" BB then pounced on the camera man and after a few screams and snarly noises, BB calmed down and walked back on screen.

"It does have a nice after taste though." BB stated after some thought and walked out of the institute.

Matt then picked up the camera the dead camera man dropped when he, well, died. "Um, that's the end of 'Cooking with M`N`M. Tune in next time if we don't get canceled…" The camera then died and millions of families across the world were scarred by their live TV show that was in fact canceled.

And where was Yoshi this entire time you may ask? Well in the time it took to write this chapter, he:

Got a role in "Home on the Range"

Bought cookies from Light

Lectured Watari for being a pedophile and how molesting is wrong

Kicked Misa off a cliff

Ate sushi

Gave Roger a concussion

Cured baldness

And put a piranha in the fry vats at McDonalds.

I bet you would've loved to hear that story instead wouldn't you? Well that's too bad because Yoshi doesn't like talking about what he does in his free time. So leave the poor pony alone. Sheesh.

**A/N: So how was that? Don't follow the recipe for strawberry jam, I have no idea how to actually make it. I am hopeless in the kitchen. Anyway, please review and attend that camera man's funeral!**


	10. PikaDucks and Pretty Nears

**A/N: Chapter Ten! Wow, this is getting to be really long. Yay! This is also by request. The request was a little disturbing, but I've put it off long enough. Please enjoy this random stupidity.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note, Sexy Jutsu, Pokemon, or Dora the Explorer. I do sorta own the Pika-Duck o.O**

One day, Near woke up.

And realized most of the chapters started with "One Day"

And then he laughed when a bunch of readers went back to previous chapters to check. And then he noticed how poorly written and repetitive this chapter was so far. And then he banned the Authoress from using the words "And then" to start a sentence.

Because Near knows she's better than that.

And Near is always right. Most of the time.

Eventually though, the Authoress and Near got bored so Near got out of bed and the magical thing we call 'a plot line' came to be.

He started his day as any normal person would. He got out of bed, walked over to his closet, pulled Watari out of his closet and smashed his camera, and picked out some clothes out to wear. Then he shuffled over to the bathroom in the awkward looking way Nears do to get dressed and pee and stuff.

Near looked in the mirror and immediately noticed that something was wrong. "What the…? Why am I a girl?"

That was when the plot was born.

Deciding to skip the getting dressed and peeing (his daytime clothes were more pajamas anyway and he had a bladder of steel) He ran downstairs to the kitchen where Matt and Mello allways were on a morning.

"Guys! I need you help!"

Matt looked up from his game. "With wha- OH MY GOD NEAR WHAT HAPPENED?"

Mello stayed silent because he was still dangling from the ceiling from the last chapter.

"I don't know, I just woke up and BOOM I was a girl!"

"…Did Watari try anything?"

"No, I threw him out the window before he could. How did he even get out of the solitary confinement thingy anyway?"

"I'll bet Misa was the security guard."

"Oh. That makes sense. I'm surprised Kira hasn't killed her yet for that stupid campaign."

"She'll probably end up killing herself by tripping up the stairs or something anyway."

"Oh."

Near then sat down and ate Froot Loops** (A/N: Don't say I misspelled fruit, that's how it was spelled on the box!) **and the fact that he was a girl was now forgotten. That is, until the rope holding up Mello snapped (Thank you scissors) and he fell to the floor and regained consciousness.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MATT! YOU JUST LET ME HANG THERE AND LET ALL THE BLOOD RUSH TO MY HEAD AND- Hey who's the girl?" Mello questioned turning to Near and forgetting all his rage.

"That's Near." Matt plainly stated.

"Near? Why didn't you ever tell us you were hot?"

Commence the awkward silence.

"Uh…" Mello began. "What I meant to say was when did you learn sexy jutsu?"

Near turned to Mello. "I'm not buying it, Mello. Now the whole world knows you are attracted to me and MattxMello fans across the world are crying. See?" He pointed out the window where it suddenly started pouring with rain. "You made the Authoress cry! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"…I apologize for eating the rainforests in chapter 4."

"That is not what I meant Mello."

"Let the MelloxNear fans rejoice!"

"No, Mello."

"I wish you were made of chocolate?"

Matt smirked. "Suggestive."

"THAT IS NOT HOW I MEANT IT!"

Suddenly, in a flash of smoke, glitter, and ducks, Near turned back into a boy (or whatever he was to begin with).

Matt gasped. "He's a real boy!"

"And you're a real dumb ass…" Mello muttered.

And then Yoshi burst in through the ceiling and bitch slapped Mello, pony-style. While Mello and Yoshi were having an all-out brawl, Matt and Near were playing with the ducks that appeared during Near's gender change.

"They are so cute and fluffy and yellow…" Near cooed.

"Yeah. Just like Pikachu…" Matt murmured.

The duckling looked up at Matt. "Pika!" Before they knew it, the entire mental institute was engulfed in electricity, and by some evil duck-related magic, Near was a girl once again. And he was on fire.

"Stupid electric fire!" Near yelled as he ran back to his bathroom to douse the fire and change his clothes. Little did he know a perverted old man had snuck back in through his window…

Matt, Mello, and Yoshi had followed him to make sure he didn't die and to get away from those crazy ducks. As it turns out, they were actually Pika-Ducks: evil creatures ripping off both Pokemon and the nature channel simultaneously and bent on taking over the world with their crazy electric powers.

When the two boys and the pony reached the room, they found Watari trying to look through the opening under the bathroom door. His elderly eyes were wide with anticipation.

Matt and Mello then began to say in unison, "Watari, no peeping! Watari, no peeping! Watari, no peeping!"

Watari then stood up and snapped his fingers. "Aw man! You guys said that stupid line like, three times! Now I can't peep on Near…" He then scurried out the window. Sadly, it was a window on the fifth story and he landed painfully on his face. He was then eaten by raccoons after being thoroughly roasted by Pika-Ducks and slathered in BBQ sauce that magically fell from the sky.

And then Near turned back into a boy (again) and flipped out at the Authoress for starting the last sentence of this chapter with the phrase 'and then'.

**A/N: THE END. I've been adding more Watari lately, and I think I actually like writing about him. When he's a crazy perverted pedophile that is ;)**

**Review if you liked it, review if you hated it, review if you loved it and me and wanna propose to me or any of the characters (the answer is no, you psychos), review if you wanna punch me in the face because you failed some upcoming test this was so dumb. Just review. Please. I don't care if you reviewed already, just do it again. I really really like reviews :3.**

**Oh, and speaking of reviews, we've hit twenty-one! YAY! Everyone who reviewed gets cake! *throws cake through your computer screen***

**This is a really long author's note… I wonder if anyone's actually reading it? MORE CAKE FOR READING MY RAMBLINGS!**


	11. The Discovery of YOUTUBE!

**A/N: Hello, children and immature adults. Thank you for taking time out of your day to greatly deplete the number of your remaining brain cells. Hooray for stupidity! This idea was from Spark of the forgotten. Everybody say "Thank you Spark!"**

**Oh and the next chapter or so will be my ideas, just to spice things up a little. Feel free to request anyway. I'll get to it eventually.**

**I own nothing; this should be quite obvious by now. (With the exception of Yoshi, the pony)**

The three boys were staring intently at the computer screen.

"What the fuck is that, Matt?" The blonde one asked, peering over the gamer's shoulder.

"It's called… YouTube."

Near let out a gasp. "YouTube? As in, the legendary tube of you? The magical, ancient tube that can turn you into whoever you want to be?"

Matt and Mello just stared at Near for a moment. Matt spoke up. "No, it's this website where people post videos."

Near pouted. "Well, thanks for getting my hopes up." He commented sarcastically.

"You're welcome." Matt smiled genuinely before Mello shoved him out of the way, taking his place in front of the computer.

"This YouTube this seems pretty interesting, I'm gonna make an account."

"Why?" Near questioned. "You don't do anything worth watching anyway."

"Yes I do! And what, do you think you can make a better video than me? I'm Mello! I am superior to all beings! MWA HA HA!" Mello laughed in a very mad-sciency manner before falling off the chair and face-planting on the floor.

"Actually, I bet I could." Near stated. "In fact, why don't we all have a contest to see who can make the best YouTube video?"

Matt turned to Near. "Because that is very un-original, boring, and predictable."

"Well then, what do you suppose we do? This story has to go somewhere."

Mello looked up from the floor. "Let's all eat chocolate chip pancakes!"

And so they did. Afterward, they all argued for a while, but decided that they should have the video making contest, despite how cliché it is.

## A few hours later ##

They all gathered in front of the computer. "Alright men, we have finished and posted our videos, now let's watch and see whose is best." Near instructed.

"Okay, me first!" Mello chirped, bringing his video up. Matt and Near just watched in horror.

Mello had made a video of himself dancing around, shirtless, with a chocolate bar in his hand, singing 'Bringing Sexy Back'. And Mello just so happened to be the worst singer on the face of the Earth.

After the video was finally over, Near and Matt turned to look at their blonde friend in disgust. "Well then" Near muttered. "Let's take a look at the comments, shall we?"

_I'mNotKira: I am contemplating suicide right now, and I didn't even watch the whole video. By the way, could you please tell me your name?_

_ILuvLight: That was like, so totally gross. And put a shirt on! No one want's to watch a little girl dance around partially naked!_

_I'mBetterThanNear: I loved this video! And you are so hot! I think you should be L's successor instead of lame old Near!_

Matt turned to Mello. "That last one was you, wasn't it?"

"N-No! What gave you that idea?"

"It's obvious you liar. Now, let's take a look at my video." Matt then brought up his three hour long video.

Immediately, they saw the home screen for Harvest Moon: Animal Parade, and a little hand flying across the screen, bringing up his file.

"What the fuck, Matt?" Mello stared at his red-headed comrade. "Is this just you playing a video game?"

Matt smirked. "It's not JUST me playing a video game, it has one of the rival weddings in it too. And I get the panda cub as my pet, and I-" Mello punched him in the back of the head.

"Why would anyone give a shit about that?"

Near tugged on Mello's shirt. "Mello, look at the comments."

_HarvestMoon4evr: OMG that was so cute, I love the panda cub!_

_SkullsAndTeddyBears: Yay pandas. I love GillxLuna, cute wedding._

_I'mBetterThanNear: You made chocolate foods! I love you for that! This video is automatically AWESOME!_

Near looked at Mello. "…You Commented and said you loved it, but now you're saying you hate it…? Mello, I think you're having mood swings. Are you pregnant?"

Matt gasped. "I thought male pregnancy was just a myth! Congratulations, buddy!"

Mello began to growl. "I'M NOT FUCKING PREGNANT! AND MALE PREGNANCY _IS_ A MYTH; DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE!"

Near looked at Mello as if he was analyzing him. "Sudden outbursts of inexplicable rage… Mello, who's the father?"

"I'M NOT PREGNANT! AND IF ANYTHING, I WOULD BE THE FATHER!"

"Whatever you say, mister denial. Anyway, shall we view my video now?" Near asked whilst pulling his up.

And there was Near. Sitting. Playing with his hair. Looking at the camera lens. You could feel his eyes burrowing into your soul as you watched him sit and do nothing. This continued on for about five minutes before Near stated in monotone, "Please leave a comment below. No flames, please." Before the camera shut off.

Matt and Mello immediately looked toward the comments, trying to get that horrible video out of their minds.

_L_IsMyUsername: Near, we need to talk. Don't ask why I'm on YouTube._

_TaskForce4eva: I thought trying to catch Kira was scary, but this… This is a whole new level of fear. And why is Ryuzaki on YouTube?_

_I'mNotAPerv: This video was titled "Best Porn Ever". This was not porn! Thanks for wasting my precious time that I could have spent getting off! Oh, and in case you were wondering, I'm not Matsuda. Hehehe._

Mello almost choked. "You titled the video 'Best Porn Ever'…?"

"The only things people use the internet for these days are Facebook and porn. I wanted people to watch, so I related it to one of those."

"And by related you mean threw it in the title and then did nothing like it?"

"More or less, yes."

Matt piped up. "So who wins then?"

Suddenly Yoshi came charging up to the computer and began typing in the YouTube search box. Yep, you guessed it: he made a video too.

Suddenly, Yoshi appeared on screen wearing some of Mello's leather. He soon started shuffling and shooting lasers from his eyes, setting many small, fluffy animals on fire. He then grabbed a jetpack out of nowhere and shot through the roof of Wammy's. He then continued rising until he broke through the atmosphere and was deep in space. When he reached the sun, he did a ninja kick and broke it in half, causing gummy bears to spew from it's core and rain down upon Earth. Yoshi then jumped onto a meteor and continued shuffling with a bunch of aliens until the end of the video.

Matt, Mello, and Near all stared at the screen in awe. Then, in unison, they spoke.

"Yoshi wins."

**A/N: And that is why you never challenge a pony to a video making contest. If anyone wants to make these videos, you're more than welcome to, just as long as you give me credit. Oh and sorry about the slight Matsuda bashing, he's just so easy to make fun of.**

**Anyway, please review!**


	12. Misa Misas rise to STARDUMB part 1

**A/N: Chapter 12 is here! And it is actually my idea for once! YAY! Now read on, and prepare to be thoroughly disturbed…**

**I own nothing except Yoshi**

It was an especially dark and stormy night in Winchester, England. Many flash flood warnings had been sent out, and most people were already asleep in bed. However, Mello was not most people. He claimed that chocolate tasted even better when sitting outside in the freezing rain late at night.

Suddenly, out of the darkness, came the most terrifying thing known to mankind. The creature slowly approached Wammy's, and Mello dropped his chocolate as he spotted it.

"W-Who are you? Don't come any closer! I know Death-Kwon-Do! And Kung-Destruction! No, no! AAAAAHHHH!" Mello screamed before passing out on the soaking wet grass.

And then, hovering over his unconscious body, the monster came into view. It was none other than Misa Amane.

##

A few hours later, Matt and Near had dragged Mello's unconscious and quite pathetic body back inside and had begun questioning Misa.

"So, Ms. Amane," Near began. "Did Mello scream like a little girl before he passed out?"

"Duh, of course she did, she is a little girl! And don't call me 'Ms. Amane'. I demand you refer to me as Misa-Misa!" Misa commanded in the peppiest voice imaginable.

"Ok, 'Misa-Misa'. So why are you here?"

Suddenly, the blonde started sobbing. Matt rolled his eyes. "Ugh. Must be that time of the month again…" He muttered.

Misa took no notice of this and started to cry/speak. "I-I got f-f-fired from being a model/popstar/actress and n-now I don't know w-what to d-d-do!"

Near rolled his eyes at her pathetic display. "Yeah, that's great. So why are you here?"

"Because I need you losers to, like, help Misa-Misa become popular and famous again!"

"…Losers…?" Near mumbled.

"Well, Misa" Matt began. "It's not that we don't want to help you, or that we find you annoying… Oh wait, it's exactly like that." Matt pointed toward the door. "Now get the Hell out of here before I call my pony on you."

Misa knelt down at Matt's feet. "Oh please help Misa-Misa! Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaasssse!"

"No."

"PLEEEEEEAAAAASE? Help me or I'll keep begging FOREVER!

A look of sudden horror spread across Matt's face. "Tch… Fine. We'll help."

Near turned to Matt, looking confused. "We will?"

"Unless you want to deal with THAT thing for the rest of forever, then yes." Matt gestured to Misa.

Near shuddered. "Alright then."

##

"Okay, Misa." Near spoke, facing the blonde whom they managed to shut up by duct taping her to the wall. "How exactly do you want us to help?"

"I, like, want you guys to, like, make me, like, famous again! I want my job and fans back from that stupid Justin Beiber guy!"

Mello, who had now regained consciousness, sighed. "If only to get rid of Beiber, I agree to help. So what's the plan?"

Silence.

Near perked up. "I know! Let's ask the Authoress!"

Matt frowned. "But she said we can't just talk to her out of nowhere anymore."

"Then we shall summon her by rubbing this magic lava lamp."

Mello scoffed. "No way, Near. We've already been cheesy and un-creative enough in this story. Let's do something original for once."

"Like…?"

"… I was hoping you knew."

Near facepalmed. Then, Matt spoke up. "Maybe we could sacrifice Roger to her and in return, she'll give us the answers we need?"

"Good idea, Matt. But we can't sacrifice Roger."

"Why not?"

"Do you wanna have to pay the bills around here?"

"… Point taken."

Mello butted in. "Wait a second! The Authoress is a civilized human being/goddess. I don't think she wants anyone's bloody carcass. How about we just text her asking her to come over and talk?"

"No way, Mello!" Near sneered. "That would never work!"

**Yo, Mello. I got your text. You guys wanted to talk to me?**

Mello and Matt slapped the back of Near's head. "Um, yeah. We wanted to know if you had any ideas of how to make Misa famous again."

**Well, you could always just hire a bunch of nerds to follow her around and take pictures of her to post on the internet. Or you guys could make her a website or something and post videos and stuff about her.**

Near got slapped again. "I thought you were L's successor! How did you not think of that?"

**How did none of you think of that? It wasn't that hard.**

"Well we only didn't think of it because you didn't put it in the story! So it's your fault we're dumb!"

…**Shut up and get to work! This story is going nowhere!**

"Ok…"

**Where's your enthusiasm?**

Suddenly huge grins appeared on the three boys faces. "Right here!"

**Good boys.**

##

"Oh my gosh. Where are we, like, going?" Misa, Near, and Matt were all sitting in the back of a limo they 'borrowed' from the queen whilst Mello drove. Said limo was being followed by hungry photographers. Seriously, they were following them for hour without a break and were starving.

Matt sighed. "I told you, we're going to a restaurant where those geeks will take pictures of you and people will notice you. Those people will automatically assume you're famous and ask for autographs."

"Well I don't, like, believe you!"

"Why not?"

"Because you're a robot!"

"What?!"

"You're a robot and Misa-Misa doesn't trust you because the zombie apocalypse is actually going to be the robot apocalypse!"

"But I'm not a robot!"

"Shut up you transformer!"

"NOT A ROBOT! Near, would you please tell her I'm not a robot?" Matt whined whilst turning to Near.

Before Near could say anything, Misa butted in. "Don't talk to Misa-Misa's hobbit! Misa-Misa doesn't want you wrecking his cute little middle-earth brain with you crazy robot talk! Go back to Cybertron!"

"Ok, first of all, Near may be short, but he is by no means a hobbit. And secondly, I AM NOT A ROBOT, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"Matt." Near murmured. "Please calm down."

"But. I. Am. Not. A. ROBOT!" Matt yelled.

Suddenly, the back doors of the limo opened to reveal an annoyed looking Mello. "Are you guys gonna get out any time soon? We've been here for ten minutes!"

On her way out of the limo, Misa turned to Mello. "Sorry little girl, Misa-Misa was distracted by the robot."

"…Robot?"

##

Eventually, all four of them had gotten inside the restaurant and had taken their seats. Misa was sat down for precisely three seconds before jumping out of her seat and running toward the soda fountain.

"Oh my gosh, what's that?" Misa questioned while staring wide-eyed at the machine.

"That's a soda fountain." Mello said before filling a cup with Pepsi. "Here, try this."

Misa took one sip of the soda before throwing down the cup and freaking out. "Aaahhh! This tastes AWEFUL! Now Misa-Misa's crazy mad and stuff! How dare you make Misa-Misa drink liquid rage!"

"What do you mean liquid rage?"

"Liquid that you drink that makes you mad! It comes from the fountain of fury!" Misa gestured to the soda fountain. Mello facepalmed.

By the end of lunch, Misa had stabbed five people with straws, covered their table in ketchup, and had given new names to all the sodas (Liquid Rage, Mild Irritation, Blazing Fury, Angry Grandpa, and Volcanic Eruption).

Luckily, Mello had brought the duct tape. So they restrained her with that, put her in the trunk, and enjoyed a silent ride home. Except Near who was going to the hospital. He took a straw to the eye.

Thus, plan one to get Misa famous again had failed. But the new mastermind behind the operations of the Wammy boys (Yoshi) was already conjuring up a new idea to get everyone's least favorite blonde out of his mane…

**A/N: Plan two will be next chapter! I hope you guys liked it, so be sure to review and tell me! In fact, I've had an idea. To reward you all for your awesome reviews, My 50th reviewer will get a special prize of their choice. The prizes are:**

**-A one shot just for you.**

**-Your OC gets to make an appearance in this story (just for one chapter though)**

**-A big thank you!**

**So you guys better make sure you review! (We're so close already!)**


	13. Misa Misas rise to STARDUMB part 2

**A/N: Konichiwa, beloved readers! For those of you that didn't know, 'konichiwa' is Japanese for hello. But you should already have known that because you're reading a Death Note fic and Death Note is an anime and anime originated in Japan! It's just one of the few gifts the land of the rising sun has given us.**

**You can tell I really like Japan, right?**

**Anywho, history/culture lessons aside, this is part 2 of Misa Misa's rise to STARDUMB! And I did not spell 'stardom' wrong; it's just a play on words. Also, a little fun-fact for you, this is all based off of the insanity I put up with daily. In the last chapter, I was in Matt's shoes, my little sister who was being even stupider than usual was Misa, and my adorable little bro was in the position of Near. Except he didn't really get stabbed in the eye. And yes, we actually called the soda 'Liquid Rage'. Because we're creative :D**

**Also, the video in this is one we actually acted out before I even considered writing this. If it's lame, blame my siblings and the laws of physics. Because they prevent gummy bears from falling from the sky or ponies driving monster trucks. Not saying that stuff won't happen though.**

**Anyway, please enjoy this chapter!**

The sun slowly rose over the horizon. The birds were chirping and the flowers had grown smiley faces and were swaying in time with the cheery music. The sun grinned down upon the flowers and shined it's sunny rays of sunshine all over the flower filled fields (alliteration!). A little girl poorly speaking Spanish and an oddly colored monkey wearing boots skipped happily through the fields.

"Hello, Dora. Hello, Boots." The flowers sang.

"Hola amigos!" The little girl called before turning to the readers. "Are you ready for an exciting adventure? Una adventura divertida? Muy bien! Let's go!"

Come on vamanos

Everybody let's go!

Come on let's get to it

I know that we can do it!

The girl and monkey continued to skip happily through the field of flowers as the flowers waved goodbye.

"Goodbye, Dora!"

"Adios, flores!"

"AAAAAAHHHH!" Mello screamed as he woke up from that horrific nightmare. "Oh… It was just… Just a dream… A very Spanish-y dream… I can't even speak Spanish." Mello panted. Misa's incredible peppiness was starting to affect his dreams… *shudder*

And then Mello went back to sleep, leaving the Authoress satisfied with the beginning of the story, even though it has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the story.

…Or does it?

The answer is no.

##

A few hours later, Matt strolled into the room where Misa, Near, and Mello were already sitting.

"So, what's the plan for today?"

Near turned to the red-head. "I'm glad you asked. I have it all mapped out here on this incredibly detailed graph and instruction booklet." Near spoke as he brought the items into view. "It's a very complex and difficult plan, so make sure you study it intently and with care, alright?"

After skimming over the graph and instructions for about 30 seconds, Matt tossed them aside and allowed Yoshi to begin eating them. "So basically we just make a video saying Misa's famous and post it online?"

"Well, I suppose you could say it like that, yes."

"Alright then, let's get to work."

## And this was the product of hours of intense labor ##

Misa suddenly appeared on screen with a gigantic creepy smile on her face. "Hey everybody, I'm Misa Amane, but you can call me Misa Misa! I am the popstar with the looks," Misa said as she began smothering her face. "The talent, la la la lalala," She sang horribly off key. "And the name Misa Misa! And I have not any face. I have THE face!" She began smothering her face again. "And I'm here making my own documentary! With my robot shooting the video."

"I'm not a robot." Matt said from behind the camera.

"Anyway, I am going to show the world that I'm not just a talented, gorgeous, completely awesome role model of a person. I am, like, the amazing, awesome, adorable, Misa Misa: The goddess!" Misa chirped while striking a bunch of poses and spinning around.

"Ok," Matt called from behind the camera. "The camera took a little while to catch up with that and it blurred. Could you do that again slower?" Misa complied, resulting in an awkward looking series of movements that still blurred on the screen of the phone's cheap camera. "It still blurred."

"Well whatever, Misa Misa doesn't go any faster!" Misa snapped.

"You mean slower."

"Whatever! Get over it, I'm in charge here! And what do you know? You're just a robot!"

"I'm not a robot!" Suddenly, Near ran across the screen, clearly trying to escape before Misa grabbed his collar and tugged him back.

The albino turned toward the camera and pleaded, "Help! Matt, save me from this monster!"

So Matt did what the camera men were supposed to do and ignored his pathetic cries for help while trying to contain a chuckle.

**(And this is where I get bored of sticking to what actually happened and I have a little fun… MWA HA HA HA HA!)**

Suddenly, Yoshi burst in through the door wearing a police uniform and an animal translator collar thingy. He immediately pulled out his gun and pointed it at Misa. "Freeze!" He yelled in a very Alvin-and-the-Chipmunks kind of voice. "Now put the hobbit down."

"I'm not a hobbit!" Near cried.

Misa glared at Yoshi. "You stay away from Misa Misa's hobbit!"

"Ma'am, just put the hobbit down."

"But I'm not a hobbit!" Near insisted.

"STAY AWAY FROM MY HOBBIT!"

"I said put him down!" Yoshi repeated.

"Just put me down!"

"He's my hobbit!" Misa insisted.

"Put him down or I'll shoot!"

"Please just put me down!" Near pleaded

"MISA MISA DOESN'T EVER LET GO OF HER HOBBIT!"

"DON'T MAKE ME SHOOT!" Yoshi demanded.

"Let me go he's gonna shoot!"

"HE'S MY HOBBIT!" Misa screamed

Gandalf suddenly appeared, floating on a cloud. "What the Hell is wrong with you guys? This is getting so repetitive, I doubt they're even reading anymore!"

"…STILL MY HOBBIT!" Misa screeched.

Yoshi shot his gun just as he threatened. But much to everyone's surprise, nothing came out. Suddenly, the ground started shaking.

"Oh no!" Matt's voice called from behind the camera. "It's the kraken!"

And then, from the middle of the floor, emerged a gigantic gummy bear with tentacles. The screen promptly went blank.

## End of video ##

A group of former Misa fans (aka Matsuda and his teddy bear) sat at their computer, staring at the now blank screen.

Matsuda turned to his bear. "I think I'm done fanboying over Misa." He made the bear nod it's head. "Oh, what's that Mr. Fluffy? You think we should move on to fanboying over Ryuzaki? Good idea!" Matsuda chirped before making a derp face at the bear. Suddenly, a fist shot up out of nowhere and punched Matsuda and Mr. Fluffy in the face.

It turned out, the fist was Mello's, and he stood up on the desk that had Matsuda's computer. "How do ya like that, douche bag?" He turned toward the readers. "This is what happens when I'm only here for the intro and I have Misa-induced nightmares! Matsudas get tortured!"

And… Cue the end credits.

**A/N: Yeah… Reality is boring. You need crazy ponies to make things fun. Anyways, please review! And remember: The lucky 50th reviewer gets one of the prizes I listed last chapter!**

… **That's your cue to review, guys.**


	14. The Magically Magical Magic Pen!

**A/N: What's up, my beloved reviewers and readers? Are you prepared for some non-Misa-related insanity? Yes Misa Misa's rise to STARDUMB is now over. Tears. Oh well, that means the suggestion box is now open again! This one is courtesy of Spark of the forgotten! Again! Yay!**

**OH AND THIS IS IMPORTANT! ****CareBearCara101 left the 50th review so she gets a prize! That's why her OC (Star) is appearing in this chapter!**

**This is the part where everyone else stops being sore losers and gets on with reading the chapter. And this is a good one, because:**

**Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's plot!**

…**Uh oh, plot just crashed into a building.**

**Well, it was worth a shot. You had a good run, Plot!**

**Plot: *shaking it's fist while sitting in a wheelchair* "Why I outta!"**

* * *

It was just another day at Wammy's Mental Institute. Watari was nowhere in sight, Roger had gotten stuck in the toilet again, Mello was eating his chocolate, Near was burning socks, Misa was stuck in a well, and Matt was gaming.

However entertaining this may have been, Star, who was hiding in a nearby tree like a ninja, decided she wanted to spice things up a little. And by that I mean she wanted to save those poor little socks from Near! So, she quickly whipped out her magical pen and magically drew a magical portal to a magical alternate universe that happened to be magic in a very magical way. Magically, the portal began to suck in everyone who was listed in the first paragraph (they all happen to be non-magical) into it's magical depths of magical magicing magic.

Whew, that was a mouthful.

All of the previously listed Death Note characters screamed as they were sucked in (I didn't use the word magic!). Not because they were scared of being sucked into an almost inexplicable portal, but because Roger was just stuck in the toilet, so things got kinda ugly.

Don't worry, kids, the toilet and Roger were still connected at the butt, so our porcelain friend was sucked in too.

Somehow, though, the portal transported them to different dimensions: Matt, Mello, and Near appearing in a fantasy land (you know, with those pointy eared guys from, like, Lord of the Rings or something…) and Watari, Misa, and Roger appearing in the Twilight universe (oh crap…)

Let's start with M `N` M, shall we?

First they all fell from the sky and landed in a forest on their butts. This caused their butts to break, so they covered them in bandages (because that's exactly how you treat a broken butt.). After that intense medical procedure, they set off on an ADVENTURE!

After travelling through the forest for several hours (or minutes. Same thing though, right?) They came across a pack/clan/pride/flock of elves.

But these were not your ordinary elves: They were not bright and short and wearing really weird looking Christmas clothes, nor did they worship a fat man who can't seem to get it into his head that red is not his color. They looked just like cavemen; except they were wearing leaves instead of animal pelts and they had pointy ears (which should be fairly obvious).

These cave-elves were gathered around a huge bonfire. Behind the fire was something that the three boys couldn't quite make out, but looked vaguely like a throne.

Yes, cave-elves have thrones. They are an advanced civilization that has complicated political and economic systems, but still hasn't quite developed clothes or housing.

Near gasped. "Oh my Authoress… THEY'RE NAKED!"

Mello looked at Near quizzically. "No they're not; they're wearing leaves, stupid!"

"Technically, to be naked is to be without clothes on one's person and they are wearing leaves, i.e., not clothes. That means that they are in fact, naked."

Mello stared at the cave-elves for a moment longer before screaming in a girly voice, "OH MY AUTHORESS, THEY'RE NAKED!"

Mello's sudden outburst caused the cave-elves to start running frantically in circles screaming "AAAHH! NAAAAAAKED!"

Matt slapped the back of Mello's head. "Great, now look! You've thrown them into a primitive frenzy!"

"…But the script said that they are and advanced civilization that has complicated political and economic systems." Mello whimpered.

"Yeah, the readers already read that part, don't make `em read it again. And the script LIED to you."

"It did…?" Mello sniveled.

"Yes. Now STOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!"

"I DIDN'T TOUCH THE WALL!"

Suddenly, a voice called from behind the fire. "STOP SCREAMING! YOU'RE SCARING MY SEA MONKEYS!"

Matt and Mello stopped and looked toward the voice. The bonfire had gone out to reveal a solid gold throne (see? Economics.) and a girl with brown hair and green highlights to match her leaves/fake clothes/whatevers. She stepped down from her throne, holding a glass bowel with sea monkeys in it.

Yep, she was…

BUM BUM BUM!

Star.

Audience: Gasp!

Matt and Mello: Gasp!

Star: Why did the dialogue suddenly switch to this format?

Matt: I don't know. It should be back to normal soon.

"Like right now?" Mello asked.

"Yep." Matt nodded.

Near gasped. "OHMYGOSHARETHOSESEAMONKEYS?!"

Star looked down at the bowl. "Yeah, they sure are! They're cute little mutants, aren't they?"

Mello's expression darkened. "…Mutant? Did you say… Mutant?"

Mello has had a strong hatred of mutants ever since the day he learned he wasn't Magneto's son. That was also the day he learned that making magnets stick to metal wasn't some type of mutant power.

Star looked at him. "Uh huh! I heard they were created in a Toxic Waste Facility!"

Toxic Waste: The number one cause for mutations.

Mello snapped.

A twig that is.

Then he lost all self-control and started destroying everything around him. He stomped on one of the cave-elves feet and she started making a high pitched sound that sounded much like 1000 birds being electrocuted. In other words, she was screaming "OH MY TWEET THIS HURTS LIKE CHIRP!" in an Alvin and the Chipmunks kind of voice. Star immediately glomped the nearest cave-elf out of pure Mello-triggered fear.

And then, at the most exciting event, we move on to see what the other three are up to.

I'll tell you one last thing though: Those cave-elves are quite skilled with bazookas, and Mello has some serious pepper-spray-wielding skill.

…Anyway…

Over in the Twilight universe, Roger was fanboying over Jacob whilst Watari fanboyed over Edward.

Roger loved Jacob because he had the tone, tan, girl-attracting body that he could never even hope to acquire.

Watari love Edward because of… reasons… perverted reasons… All Edward fangirls, prepare to go into rage mode.

Misa didn't notice this, because she was too busy giving Kristen Stewart, uh I mean, Bella, a much needed make over.

"You need more make up. And smile more. You can't just have the same expression every scene." Misa instructed.

Without changing her expression, Kristen/Bella asked, "…How?"

"Like this!" Misa said whilst smiling and then staring at her with the exact same smile on her face as before. Kristen/Bella/That Lady Over There just stared at her blankly. Neither of their expressions changed for an hour.

Eventually, Edward and Jacob couldn't stand their new fanboys any longer, and threw themselves off a conveniently placed cliff. Watari and Roger jumped after them and decided that their idols must be punished for trying to escape.

That night, both men discovered that Werewolf meat is very fattening and that Vampires taste great with garlic.

Suddenly, the magical portal from earlier opened up magically in the Twilight universe and magically sucked them back into it's magical depths magically.

##

Soon, they were all back at Wammy's. Near was tied up and getting a lecture from Star about how 'It's mean to burn socks ' and how he 'should play with sea monkeys instead', Matt was gaming, Watari and Roger had gone on a diet and exercise program to work off that delicious fangirl-crushing meal, Mello was trying on new clothes at the mall, Misa and Kristen/Bella/That One Girl I Kinda Recognize From That One Movie were still staring at each other, the toilet was lonely without Roger's butt, and the readers were very confused.

Then Star appeared and zapped all the readers with her magic pen to make them leave awesome reviews and not flame Raven for hating on Twilight! In fact, they were going to praise her for it. Praise… PRAISE…!

.

.

.

.

.

.

… Sea Monkeys.

* * *

**A/N: Sea Monkeys kinda scare me o.O . Anyway, please review, ideas are welcome, and sorry I didn't put your OC in as much as I was hoping to, CareBearCara101. Oh and if I messed her up, then I'm really sorry O.o . And a big apolagy to any Twilight fans out there.**

**Wow... That's a lot of apolagies.**

**Review, my little sea monkeys… REVIEW!**


	15. A Shinigami is a god of SMILES

**A/N: Greeting, minions. Did you miss your master? No? Well then, you shall suffer TRIAL BY ZOMBIE BEARS! What, you meant to say yes? That's a good minion.**

**All weird, incoherent author's notes/greetings aside, I would like to thank Lawliet Holmes for the ideas for this chapter. Oh, and a good day to you too, sah! *Salutes and smacks head in the process* Owie…**

**Now all of you prepare to fail those upcoming math tests due to this chapter!**

**Disclaimers: Suck, so I'm skipping it!**

Once upon a time, in a magical land called 'Magical-Land-A-Topia', there lived three Shinigami.

The first Shinigami was tall and looked like an emo-shark. His name was Ryuk.

The second Shinigami was also tall and had weird purple-ish dread locks. Her name was Rem.

The third Shinigami was short, fat, and stubby. His name was Gelous.

Then Misa suddenly came in and decided that Gelous was too fat and obsessive, so she shot him with a lazer beam. In his place, there was now a pile of ash with Gelous's notes from stalking Misa. Misa then teleported back to Earth to continue her Kira campaign.

Ryuk picked up the notes and started flipping through them. "Whoa, look at this Rem! It seems Gelous has been stalking Misa since she was a baby!"

Rem gasped. "How dare he stalk my Misa! I am the #1 Misa fan, I should be the one who gets to stalk her obsessively! Gimme those notes, I've got some stalking to do." Rem ordered before leaving 'Magical-Land-A-Topia'.

Ryuk just stood there for a moment, before he started talking to himself like a completely normal and mentally stable person would. "Well, now I have nothing to do… I guess I'll just go stalk that Imagay guy for no reason." He started chuckling. "Hehe… that sounded like I'm a gay guy…"

##

Moments later, Ryuk was in the human world. Rem was there too, but she forgot to turn on her invincibility-to-human-objects powers, so she got run over by an entire parade. This parade just so happened to be a parade paying tribute to apples. And just like that, it happened.

Ryuk fell in love.

With an apple.

It wasn't even a real apple, just a car covered with red cotton balls to make it look like an apple.

But he thought it was an apple.

And he was in love with it.

And it was then, they say

That his shriveled up heart grew three times that day.

Whoa, Grinch reference.

Random monkeys.

…Back to our dying plotline here. Ryuk saw the apple-car-thing and was in love with it. Like crazy teenage girl that's-my-future-husband love. So he did the sensible thing and bared his fangs and ran after it. Of course, while he had his invincibility powers turned on, he didn't have his invisibility powers on, so people started freaking out and chaos ensued.

This, of course, meant the apple-car-thing started running/driving away.

And Ryuk ran after it. In fact, Ryuk had decided to follow that apple-car-thing to the ends of the Earth.

Big mistake.

It turns out, this apple-car-thing was fueled by unicorn, uh, waste(it's poop), which enabled it to fly and shoot rainbows. However, after a few laps around the Earth and nailing Ryuk in the eye with a few rainbows, the apple-car-thing was beginning to run out of fuel (poop) and began falling out of the sky (aw, poop!).

Conveniently, the apple-car-thing (man that's tiring to type) landed in a mall. Of course it had to crash through the roof first, but that was no big deal, right?

Ryuk cautiously entered through the gigantic hole in the ceiling. "Apple?" He called out. "Apple where are you?" A guy selling mac-books walked up to Ryuk who threw him across the mall. "I didn't mean apple like that!"

Then, Ryuk noticed all the teenage girls running from a dress shop that appeared to be in ruins. Obviously, that was where the apple-car-thing crashed. Or a meteor. Either of those are equally likely.

Ryuk entered the frilly pink shop. "…Apple?" He asked once more. Then, he saw the remains of his 'apple'. Meaning, he saw a pile of red cotton balls surrounding a partially destroyed car which landed in a pile of dresses and other female attire.

The Shinigami approached the car and looked inside. His jaw dropped when he saw what lay inside.

Yep, it was everyone's favorite chocoholic:

BB.

Not really, it was Mello. BB was busy robbing an underwear store with A.

Anyway, because his car-apple-thing crashed in a pile of dresses and other crap, Mello was somehow wearing a tight red dress. He also had on red lipstick and eye liner, but he had applied that earlier that day.

Ryuk picked him up. "Oh my gosh, Apple; You EVOLVED! You went from yummy looking apple to hot 'n' smexy apple!" Ryuk started hugging/choking Mello and spinning in a circle. Ryuk then flew off to 'Magical-Land-A-Topia' with Mello in his arms, who was screaming incoherent swear words directed at the delusional god of smiles that was carrying him off. Because that's what Shinigami means: God of Smiles.

Ryuk had actually auditioned to be the 13th Olympian god, but was rejected because he scared Persephone and made flowers wilt where ever he walked.

But who cares about that, now that he has a new apple to play with!

##

In Japan, Light sat in the corner, sobbing. His secret stalker was supposed to follow him today but he never showed up.

Light stared at the Barbie doll in his hands. "Now it's just you and me, Brittney."

The doll slapped him. "It's Barbie you idiot!"

**A/N: Reviews and ideas are loved and shall be rewarded with popsicles and cross-dressing Mellos.**


	16. Little Lawlie and the Killer Dolly

**A/N: Hello again, my sweet readers! I now give you the product of my goofing off in Extended Core! It's a boring class anyway. And OHMYGOSH, THERE'S PLOT IN THIS ONE kinda sorta a bit… Shut up.**

**Warning: This contains name spoilers (doesn't everyone know their names by now?) and this chapter may also offend the elderly. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK ;P**

**Disclaimer: I'm sure this sort of thing has been done before, so I'll say I don't own little L or Death Note at all for that matter.**

Once upon a time, in a time that existed a long time ago, there was a little detective-in-training named L Lawliet. This little detective was an orphan because his mother died when giving birth to him, as it is impossible to survive having a baby as awesome as him.

…Oh, and his dad got hit by a school bus.

Anyway, having no home he took refuge in the storage room of a candy shop, and as a result, lived off only candy. Duh. Seriously, this is L, you should've figured that out on your own.

Aside from all the candy –which L adored (again, duh.)- there was one more thing that gave his life meaning: His stuffed bunny with a torn ear and sickly green, checkered fur/skin/whatever. His name was Mr. Teddy Tums. Don't ask why. L just didn't understand the difference between species of animals. He thinks they're all teddy bears. That bird, that crocodile, even that Misa; All teddy bears. Well, except Misa is much, much scarier.

And so, L and Mr. Teddy Tums lived contently in their massive piles of candy, until one day, when L walked back in from doing his, uh, business, he found a horrible sight.

Mikami in a bikini.

Not really, but that WOULD be horrible *shudder*.

L let out a scream. "MR. TEDDY TUMS!" The bunny was lying in a puddle of red Kool-Aid and his left eye/button was missing. "What happened to you?" L cried, shaking the rabbit who obviously didn't respond because it's a toy.

Seeing as the victim (*cough* Toy *cough*) was unresponsive, L's detective-in-training instincts kicked in, and he began searching for clues.

And by that I mean he started crawling around and sniffing the floor. It makes sense; his father was a bloodhound after all.

After a few minutes, his nose bumped into a doll. L stood up, pointed at the doll, and gasped. "CLUE!"

In a matter of moments, our little detective had tied the doll up in a chair and had turned off all the lights with the exception of a very dim one right above the chair.

"So," L began. "Where were you the night of this morning at approximately 11am precisely?"

The doll was silent.

"Don't play games with me, missy!" L retorted, getting in the doll's face, bad-cop style. "I know your type: You never say a word and you just sit there being cute! But don't think your silent treatment will work with a cutie like me! And just so you know, I am NOT above using torture!"

The doll was still silent.

"So that's how you wanna play…"

For the next hour or so, the doll was forced to sit through the Miracle of Life video that most kids are forced to watch in school at one point or another. And if you haven't seen it, be grateful, because it's scarring. Don't ask how a toddler like L got ahold of it. Just don't.

After they were halfway through the video for the second time, the doll cracked. "Alright, I give up! Just make it stop!" The doll pleaded. L complied and turned off the video. "But it wasn't me that killed your bunny, I swear!"

L raised an eyebrow. "Then who was it?"

"It was-" the doll began before it disintegrated much like Edward should in the sunlight if he was a real vampire and not some really pale loser.

L fell to his knees. "No! Now I don't have any leads!"

Just then, the voices in L's head started speaking to him. _L…_ they said in a very mystical sounding tone. _The old lady… She killed Mr. Teddy Tums…_

"How do you know?" L asked.

_Because what else do old ladies do in their free time?_

"Well, they knit…"

_Yes, they knit tools of TORTURE! Now go and confront her… Do it, minion… DO IT!_

"Well if you say so." L replied nonchalantly before making his way to the old lady's house which just so happened to be across the street from L's hideout in the candy shop.

L burst in like some sort of super-cop. "You there! Little old lady! I know you killed Mr. Teddy Tums!"

The old lady stood up from her rocking chair and cackled. "Well now that you've figured me out, I'll have to kill you too!"

But as she was approaching L with a look of murder in her eyes, She slipped on a conveniently placed banana peel, broke her face, and died.

Witnessing this, Mr. Teddy Tums' corpse (which had been in L's arms the whole time) began to sparkle much like really pale losers (*cough* Edward *cough*) do in the sunlight. In a bright flash, Mr. Teddy Tums turned into everyone's favorite pedophile: Watari.

Okay, some of your guys' favorite pedophile is Matsuda, but mine's Watari, so stop complaining.

L gasped. "Mr. Teddy Tums… You're _**OLD**_!"

Watari looked offended. "I'm not old! Now then little boy, why don't you just follow me and we can play in that closet over there." Watari suggested with a perverted smirk.

"I don't know… The readers just gasped and are telling me not to…"

"What do they know? They're getting stupider with every chapter!"

"Don't be mean, Mr. Teddy Tums. Anyway, how did you turn so ugly?"

"Faith, trust, and pixie dust?"

"Wrong fandom."

"Himichi's waffles of death?"

"Wrong fandom again."

"…Come in the closet with me and I'll tell you."

"You are not my favorite toy anymore…"

Watari waggled his eyebrows. "Well, you're _my_ favorite toy."

"SHUT UP, THIS STORY'S ONLY RATED T!"

##

"And that," grown up L began, whilst closing a huge story book. "Is how Watari and I met. Any questions?" He asked the toddler versions of Matt, Mello, A, BB, and Near who had been listening intently to his story.

Mello raised his hand. "Yes Mello?"

"Did Mr. Teddy Tums fuck you up?"

"…Where did you learn that word?"

"BB showed me an Akazukin Chacha fanfiction that had that word in it." Mello smiled.

Watari stepped in. "Well the answer to your question is yes. No more Akazukin Chacha for either of you."

Mello and BB began to cry and L facepalmed.

**A/N: That wasn't originally how it was going to end, but I like this way better :D**

**Now review, or face the wrath of a shoujo deprived BB**


	17. Misery and Tacos go Hand in Hand

**A/N: Hello readers. This is a stupid song fic-y chapter. And I am making Light and Raito two different people, so don't be confused. Why? Because I think it's funny and it's like Light's singing that he's emo and talking about it at the same time!**

**I do not own The Emo Song; that right goes to Adam and Andrew. And I by no means own Death Note which makes me very sad :(**

* * *

Light sat at his desk, scribbling in his diary that he originally just had to distract people from the Death Note and make them think he was a wimp. He did this whenever he felt a bit… for lack of a better word, emo; Seeing as he had not yet achieved world domination and L was still alive. Besides, he's still a moody teenager, so what would you expect?

_Dear diary,_

_Mood: Apathetic._

_My life is spiraling downward._

_I couldn't get enough money to go to the Blood Red Romance and Suffocate me dry concert. It sucks because they play some of my favorite songs like 'Stab my Heart because I Love you' and 'Rip Apart my Soul' and of course, 'Stabby Rip Stab Stab'. And it doesn't help that I couldn't get my hair to do that flippy thing either. Like the guy in the band can do. Some days, Ugh…_

Light dropped his pen as he heard music start playing in the background. He looked around frantically hoping no one saw him. Suddenly, Raito stepped out of his closet with his hair hanging over his eye.

"What the- Raito! What did you do with your hair? It looks… Actually, it looks pretty epic."

"Thanks, man." Raito said in an emo-y voice. "Now shut up while I sing about my feelings."

"Oh my Shinigami, Raito, please don't sing!" Light pleaded.

But it was already too late.

"I'm an emo kid

Non-conforming as can be.

You'd be non-conforming too

if you looked just like me.

`Cuz I've got paint on my nails

And make-up on my face

I'm almost emo enough to start shaving my legs."

Light looked down at his smooth-as-a-baby's-butt legs. "Shit…" He muttered

Raito took no notice and continued to belt out his song.

"Stop my breathing and slit my throat

I must be emo.

I don't jump around when I go to shows

I must be emo."

…What, being a straight A college puts you under a lot of pressure! Don't give the screen that look! You know it's true!

"I'm dark and sensitive with low self esteem

The way I dress makes every day feel like Halloween." -Those ties can be scary.

"I don't have any real problems, but I like to make believe

I stole my sister's mascara,

Now I'm grounded for a week!" -true story, by the way.

"Sulking and writing poetry are my hobbies

I can't get through a Hawthorn Heights

Album without sobbing.

Girls keep breaking up with me

It's never any fun

They say they've already got a pussy;

They don't need another one!"

Light buried his face in his hands as Raito sang the chorus. "Ugh, he always does this on Wednesdays! Why?" Light mumbled to himself. He then began to write a Raito-inspired paragraph of self-pity in his diary.

_My life is just a black abyss, you know?_

_It's so dark. And it's suffocating me._

_Grabbing ahold of me and tightening it's grip._

_Tighter than a pair of my little sister's jeans._

_Which look great on my, by the way. _Light added as an after-thought.

By now, Raito had moved on to the third verse.

"When I get depressed

I cut my wrists in every direction

Hearing songs about getting dumped give me an erection." Raito then was knocked unconscious by Light throwing his diary at him and screaming "Eeww, Raito! TMI!"

Light picked up Raito's limp body and put him back in the closet, dreading next Wednesday when he would have to repeat this.

But for now, Light went downstairs to the kitchen. He felt like having some tacos.

* * *

**A/N: Clicky that review button please! Maybe Light will share his tacos with the reviewers!**


	18. Beyond Birthdays Beyond Recognition Jam

**A/N: Yes, you read the chapter title right. This is an ad. For BB's special jam. And it's got a BB pun in it. Oh yeah, I just went there. Anyway, please enjoy, and it works better if you visualize what's going on.**

**I do not own Death Note, but I do own Beyond Birthday's Beyond Recognition Jam. I don't care if it has his name in it, it's mine.**

**BB: Well I inherit it when you die.**

**Me: But I'm younger than you**

**BB: Your numbers are running out…**

**Me: Liar.**

**BB: … #$&?!%**

**Me: O.O**

…

**And let the advertisement begin. Oh, and P.S this works best if you visualize what's happening while you read.**

_How many times has this happened to you?_

Near calmly walked up to Mello, who was sitting at a kitchen table, sulking that he wasn't in the last chapter. "Here, Mello, have some chocolate in a jar." The sheepy boy offered whilst handing the blond a jar.

Mello took one glance at the container before he hurled it at Matt's head. "WTF, NEAR? I CAN TOTALLY TELL THIS IS GRAPE JAM!" he shrieked.

This scene of Mello breathing fire (and I mean literally) at a horrified Near then paused as BB walked on screen.

"Hello, my name is Beyond Birthday." He began. "You may recognize me from the first (and final) episode of 'Cooking with M`N`M' where I brutally murdered the camera man on live television. First of all, I need to inform you that his numbers ran out; so stop sending all these cops to my house. It's annoying. Secondly, I am here to tell you all about a new product developed by yours truly! I call it: Beyond Birthday's Beyond Recognition Jam! Unlike other jams where it's easy to tell what fruit it's made of, there's no way to figure out what the Heck this stuff is!"

The scene then switched to a laboratory. BB was strutting over to one of the sterile counters and continued. "Just like how I mutilate my victims until they're deformed and completely grotesque, I brutally slash at your fruit until it's nothing more than a pile of plant guts!" BB exclaimed while putting on a pair of goggles. He then grabbed a chainsaw and it roared to life as he began to destroy a pile of various fruits.

When he was done, there was a huge mound of who-knows-what in front of him. "Now I just put it in a jar and it's done!" BB said while he scooped his 'product' into a jar. "Just look at these satisfied customers!"

The scene shifted to a suburban park-like area in which Sayu Imagay was holding a jar of BBBRJ and looking thoroughly confused.

"I was just walking along, and this guy shoves a jar in my face!" she complained. "I don't even know what's in here; It looks kind of like a hamster that went through a blender…" She let out a gasp. "Bunbun, is that you?" She asked frantically while shaking the jar.

Beyond Birthday came back into view and smiled at the camera. "And if that wasn't enough for you, check out the celebrity endorsement!" He gestured to the right and the camera turned to face Misa.

"Hey everyone, it's Misa-Misa! That man with the creepy red eyes told Misa to tell you good things about this jar! Well… It's shiny and Misa can see another Misa in it. Misa says buy your Misa jar today!"

The camera turned again to face BB. "You heard it here first, folks! Buy some of Beyond Birthday's Beyond Recognition Jam now!"

Words in a tiny font started flying across the bottom of the screen. They read: Beyond Birthday's Beyond Recognition Jam may cause loss of sight, hearing, taste, smell, and any and all emotions. Consuming this product may cause internal bleeding, external bleeding, and reddening of the eyes, nose, and buttocks. May contain fruit. Do not eat if pregnant, obese, skinny, alive, conscious, unconscious, nursing, or one hour after heavy thinking. No refunds.

_Beyond Birthday's Beyond Recognition Jam is just one easy payment of your life! Buy now!_

**A/N: It was short, but most ads are like 30 seconds long anyway, right? Oh and I may not be updating anything for a while because where I am, POKÉMON BLACK 2 AND WHITE 2 COME OUT TOMARROW! So yeah, I'll be busy rotting my brain and strengthening my thumbs with that.**

**But review anyway. I will love you forever in a totally non-creepy way!**

**BB: Until you die…**

**Me: STOP SCARING THE READERS! No jam for you!**

**BB: T-T life is so cruel… Just review or she'll keep taking my jam from me…**


	19. Got Milk?

**A/N: Hey I'm finally back to updating this! Yayz! Oh, and before I forget, I wanna thank everyone who has reviewed this story so far! Damn, 72 reviews… That is so much more than I thought I'd ever get. So a big thank you and slice of pie for (in no particular order):**

**Lawliet Holmes, I Am The Real L, Kiku-Goldenflower, Spark of the forgotten, rainbowpanther9, CareBearCara101, Teenage-Vampire-Girl, Definition-Of-A-Nerd, MasktheMoney18, Ambyrawrawr, BriGirl, Kinetsu, Madamgirl, animecutie610, 7millionduckies (btw I love your name), ShugoCharaLuvr, True-DN-Angel, , deathnoteizepic, and lots of guests who chose not to sign their name.**

**Wow, this sounds like the end of the story… But it is only just BEGINNING! (Insane laughter in the background as the world implodes).**

**So, read the chapter why don't you?**

It was a fine summer day. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and the oil was spilling into the Gulf of Mexico. Of course, this means the birds weren't really chirping, but calling out for help and the shining sun increased their chances of spontaneously combusting. Yes, it was a pleasant day indeed.

On this particular day, Roger decided to pick up the kids' Orphanage Schooling. And so, Matt, Mello, and Near were all duct taped to chairs as Roger prepared for his lecture that was sure to shatter the laws of basic science.

"Alright you evil little bastards, shut up and get ready to learn." Roger ordered as he hauled his fat gut in front of them. "Today's lesson is on the history and science of cows."

"Moo!" All three boys yelled in response.

"…Sure. Anyway, cows are animals that eat grass and spew milk. Everyone knows that. But various cows spew different types of milk. For example, cows that are actually only 2% cow spew 2% milk, cows that only skim when they read spew skim milk, and cows that have spots that are actually holes spew whole milk. But recently, scientists have discovered 'expired milk' and that dead, or expired if you will, cows can spew this kind of milk."

Near raised an eyebrow. "But Roger, expired milk is just really old normal milk. And all your other definitions were wrong too."

"Oh is that so? You think you're so smart, don't you pajama boy? DON'T YOU? Well I'm the teacher and you are the awkward student, so that means I AM SMARTER AND RIGHTER!" Roger shrieked, clearly suffering from PMS.

"…Righter isn't a word, Roger." Near calmly replied.

"SHUT UP! I am a GENIUS!" Roger retorted, pronouncing genius as 'Jeen-ee-us'. He then proceeded to duct tape Near's mouth shut. "Now on with the lesson. Regular milk and expired milk are very different in the fact that one tastes like shit and the other tastes like liquid cow. The main similarity between these types of milk is that they all eventually evolve into cheese."

Matt perked up. "Like Pidgey evolving into Pidgeotto?"

"Depends, can you eat a Pidgeotto or put it on a burger?" Roger asked.

Matt's mouth hung open in shock that anyone would ever ask such a question. Our little gamer then began frothing at the mouth and having a full-blown gamer spasm.

Ignoring Matt when someone probably should've been calling an ambulance, Mello broke out of his duct tape bonds and, desperate to make an appearance in this chapter, started yelling at fatt ass, uh, I mean Roger.

"Milk can't turn into cheese, you crazy old man! Milk is an ingredient in chocolate and combining chocolate and cheese is like… like… CHOCOLATE CHEESE CAKE! It's unnatural!"

Roger seemed offended. "I love chocolate cheese cake, and it is natural! I pick it right off the vine! And if you don't believe me, drink this!" Roger ordered while shoving a glass of white liquid (ew, dude it's milk) into Mello's arms.

"What does me drinking milk have to do with chocolate cheese cake?"

"JUST DRINK IT!" Roger screamed like a teenage girl who just broke a nail.

"Alright!" Mello began drinking the milk only to drop the glass and start gagging just before he had finished.

Was the milk poisoned?

Was Mello lactose intolerant?

Was I trying to drag the story out by asking pointless questions?

The answers are no, no, and yes.

Mello had started choking because the milk turned into chees halfway down his throat and was now lodged in there. Which means Roger was righter (*gasp*)

So to save out little blond friend, Yoshi began shoving mice down Mello's throat to eat the cheese, We can all imagine how well THAT turned out.

So at the end of the day, all three boys were stuck in the hospital; Matt for his gamer spasm, Near for suffocation by duct tape, and Mello for his severe mouse-throat. Alongside them were the Hispanic mermaids who caught on fire in the Gulf of Mexico because of the oil and sun's conspiracy against them.

**A/N: THE END! Please review, my little minions, or else I will take back the pie!**


	20. Takada in SPACE!

**A/N: I am so sorry I didn't update last week, but I have the next few chapters already in the process of being written or whatever!**

**Oh, and I would like to dedicate this chapter to my subconscious (I had a dream about this last night, but with some people from So Random O.O)**

**Warning: I hate on Light and Takada. Not as a couple, but as individuals. I also make fun of the pairing of L and Light, which is kinda dumb, because I like that one, but whatever.**

**Oh, and I put the caps lock button to work.**

**Warning: This is freaking gross. Blame my subconcious.**

* * *

One fine afternoon, in some random place in Japan, Light was taking a walk through the park with his current girlfriend, Kiyomi Takada. Meaning his last name is a lie. He's actually bi (So you LxLight fangirls still have a chance).

Anyway, he and Takada had been discussingtypes of writing utensils, seeing as they are both dull people who seemingly lack personality. Light had just finished explaining the wonders of the quill, when Takada decided to tell him about this magical new invention called 'the pen'.

"You know, Light, there's this amazing new thing called a 'pen' and it writes, like, thirty-twelve million times more effectively than a… Whatever it was you were talking about."

Light then let out a long, unrealistic gasp. "OMG Kay Tay (that's his nickname for her. Kiyomi Takada= K.T.= Kay Tay) that means you have the same opinion as that anonymous angry hobo I ran into a while ago! He was chewing on a squirrel!"

"WTF, LIGHT, UGH, THAT'S IT!" Kay Tay exploded metaphorically at Imagay. "WE ARE, LIKE, SO LIKE TOTALLY, LIKE, OVER!"

Light was now having a spasm. If Kay Tay broke up with him, that would mean he would be without a girlfriend. And if he didn't have a girlfriend, the yaoi fangirls would pounce on him and lock him in a horrible lemon, alone with L, and without food, water, or plot. Kind of like this story, except with less fun and with more nakedness.

Whoa, that took a turn for the inappropriate.

…Moving on…

Light then tried to reason with her. "But Kay Tay, I get to beat up the hobo in the task force winter play!" he said, as if that reasoning would make things any better.

"I DON'T CARE, YOU'RE STILL A DOUCHE! A DOUCHE WHO PICKS ON THE HOMELESS!"

Panicking, Light said the thing that makes all women (or at least Sayu) happy. "Uh… YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL AND WOMEN ARE SUPERIOR TO MEN IN EVERYTHING!"

"Stop feeding me LIES! If that's true, why is it called MAN kind, why the Hell are _YOU_ the star, and why did they only focus on putting a MAN on the moon?!"

"Well, there are other places in outer space for women to invade," Mister Imagay informed her.

A little light bulb then appeared above Takada's head. She then picked up this light bulb and smacked Light clear out of the chapter. He is now bleeding in chapter 21 or 22, which are yet to be written (duh, learn to count, freaks).

"I know what I have to do," Kay Tay decided to narrate. "I have to… BECOME AN ASTRONAUT!" *gasp!*

##Later in the depths of the Bat cave##

Oh whoops, I meant:

##Later in the depths of your mom##

Oh crap, that's not right either!

##Later in the depths of that bottle of hair gel##

CURSE YOU, CHEAP HUMOR!

##Later, in the depths of space##

Finally, there we go.

Takada had become an astronaut and enlisted in the mission to Mars in a record time of however long it took for you to read that last part. She was now in a space ship (with a jolly roger and all) and was half way to Mars.

Suddenly, she contacted the feminist version of NASA. "Hillary, we have a problem."

"_What's wrong, girlfriend?"_ Was Hillary's response through the pink voice transmitter on Kay Tay's wrist.

"Well, I seem to have started my period, and I forgot to bring a tampon so now gross stuff is floating everywhere!" She wined.

"…_Girl, you just showed me one of the most disgusting mental images my mind has ever received. And I have one Hell of a dirty mind. Just ignore it and finish the mission."_

"Fiiiiiiinnneee…" Kay Tay drawled in response.

And from that day on, Mars was stained to the core with Takada's period blood. I don't care what scientists or astrologists or whoever studies this kind of thing says: Mars is red because of Takada forgetting to bring a tampon into outer space.

* * *

**A/N: The End! I hope you like this, I didn't actually get this chapter beta-d because I felt you were waaaaayy overdue an update and I wanted to get this up ASAP.**

**Readers: You get this pile of shit beta-d…?**

**Your Master: Yes, she tells me if this is actually funny or if it's just dumb. Not that there's much of a difference, but whatever.**

**Readers: Wow, I feel bad for her, having to look over this pile of stupidity…**

**Your Master: WHAT WAS THAT? *zaps who ever said that and they become a pile of dust that for some reason smells like oranges on fire* Ah, that's better. Now, all you survivors should review!**

**Oh, and by the way, I have a sneek peek at the next to chapters for the people who actually read author's notes! There's a Gangnam Style parody (because we TOTALLY need more of those) and the wammy boys get jobs at McDonalds. Tell me which one you want up first in a review, please.**


	21. Would You Like Fries with That?

**A/N: Welcome, welcome, one and all, to the twenty-first installment of Wammy's Mental Institute! Feel free to sit down, relax, get a cold drink, and spill that drink all over yourself while reading this. If you have been reading since this story was born, (or first written. Whichever.) and you haven't ended up in a mental institute yourself, then congratulations! If you have ended up in an asylum, then I'm sorry for ruining your life!**

**Now, I believe you can thank my American Cultural Studies teacher for this chapter (we just finished a unit on McDonaldization).**

**I don't own Death Note, Zelda, or Harvest Moon, and I in no way wish to own McDonalds.**

* * *

There comes a time in everyone's life, when they have to start working for themselves. They can't depend on their 'Roger' anymore and they have to make their way in this world. Most parents (or forced caretakers) are sad to see the kids go. But, of course, Roger wasn't like most caretakers.

In fact, contrary to what most caretakers do, he kicked Matt, Mello, and Near out early. They had no experience, no money, no home, and no DS charger. In other words, they fit the requirements to work at McDonalds perfectly.

Now, let's take a look at their little job interviews, shall we? First up: Mello.

Our little blond friend sat calmly in the manager of McDonald's office. He was wearing a tight leather suit with a leather tie, leather shoes, leather socks, leather make up, leather nail polish, and leather panties, er, briefs. What, it's a job interview so he has to look fancy, right?

Eventually, the manager actually showed up. He took one look at Mello before walking out the door and saying, "Alright, you're hired. Chelsea, get in here and give this freak some training!"

A voice from the other room called back, "My name's Mark!"

"Whatever you say, Lillian."

"MARK!"

See? Dressing fancy gets you a job. Either that, or McDonalds's is grateful to have humans willing to work for them instead of something crazy, like flammable bunny rabbits with laser eyes and pom poms.

Now, for Matt's interview.

… Screw this, the same thing happened to all three of them and I am way too lazy to type all of it out. Man, Claire's having a busy day.

"My name is Mark!" He/She yelled at the Authoress.

**Nobody cares, Pony.**

"…Why do you keep addressing me as random, female, Harvest Moon characters?"

**Because I can, Natalie! You know what, Luna, you just need to shut up! Okay, Nami? Can you handle that?**

Karen (Mark) Then stomped off muttering "You're stuck in the wrong fandom, you crazy bitch…"

##Mello's first day of work##

As soon as McDonald's opened, an elderly man approached the counter at which Mello was stationed. Pity the poor man.

"Hello there, young lady," the old man greeted.

Mello gritted his teeth. "May I fucking take your fucking order you fucktarded old man?" Mello asked in a way that made it obvious he was suffering from the side effects of his male period. He was even wearing a –you guessed it- leather tampon (in his nose, because man periods are just really long nose bleeds).

"Well I think I would like… hm… no, not that… Oh! Wait, not that either… Um… hm…" This incoherent mumbling continued for another half hour before Mello snapped.

"WHAT THE GUMMY BEARS ON BATH SALTS DO YOU WANT?" Strange word choice for Mello, but he already dropped the F bomb three times.

…Congratulations, Mello, you just got fired. Now let's see how Matt's day went.

##Matt's first day of work##

We now find our little red head stationed at the exact same cash register as Mello had been before the SWAT team had to tranquilize him and send the old man to therapy. And his first customer, coming back for more since the last chapter, was Kyomi Takada.

She was also featured in chapter two, but called the 'no longer important lady'. Well, I finally remembered her name, and she is still very unimportant.

And so she stood at the counter in silence, waiting for Matt to ask to take her order. And she waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. And waited.

Eventually, Matt glanced up from the Zelda game he had been playing and saw her scowling at him. "Oh, uh, how can I take your order…? OH WAIT, I'm about to beat this level!" Matt incorrectly, almost asked.

But Matt never beat the level.

And Takada never got her food.

And Matt got fired (I think I see a theme here…)

And now we over use the word 'and' while we creep on Near's first day of work.

##Near's first day of work (Hey, I just said that!)##

A young man/god/freak/boy/animated character/transformer named Light Imagay approached the counter that Near was sitting on. Scratch that, Near had his butt planted firmly on the cash register. a.k.a, not the counter.

"Hello, could I get a… um…" Light trailed off as Near stared at him silently like a creeper. "Uh… Could you please, um… Not stare at me?"

Near blinked for the first time in hours and began speaking in monotone. "May I take your order?"

Light looked around. "May I get a less creepy cashier come and take my order?" He called. But of course, no one came, as it is a McDonalds worker's sworn duty to torture people with stupid names.

I mean seriously, his name is Light, but when written in kanji it's Moon. Neither of those are names. They're not even cool words. Like Blade. If his name was Blade Imagay then… Well, then he would still probably have been tortured, but his name would've been cooler.

Back to the story. Near kept staring at him and Light/Moon/Blade/Kira kept wetting his pants out of fear and for your entertainment (you're welcome). After three days, or in L's time, 159 cakes, Light/Moon/Blade/Kira broke down.

"Alright, I confess! I AM KIRA! Just please stop violating me with your eyeballs!"

And that is the story of how Kira/Light/Moon/Blade got arrested and Near became employee of the month.

* * *

**A/N: All done! I used math somewhere in this chapter (I wrote it in class, okay?) and if you can tell me where it is, I'll give you an imaginary bunny! I'll tell everyone next chapter~**


	22. Wammys Style!

**A/N: I know there are way too many parodies of this already… But I just had to do it. It's best if you know the tune and visualize what's happening.**

**Oh and a warning: Weird content (as per normal) and I struggle with finding good rhymes *Sweat drop***

_**IMPORTANT!**_ Regular typing in quotation marks is Matt and _Italics in quotes are Mello._

**Please enjoy: Wammy's Style! Which is something I actually kinda own instead of nothing but Yoshi for once!**

The music starts playing and we see Matt lying on a lawn chair looking positively wasted and slowly rolling his head side to side.

"Wammy's style!" he suddenly sings/shouts. "Wammy's style!"

"I am a genius and my mom and dad are dead.

I've got lots of fangirls who insist my hair is red.

Oh look I rhymed and there's Watari who's on meds" Matt sang whilst pointing to the old pedophile. He then turned to see Mello and Near fighting.

"Mello, don't bite off Near's head!" Matt continued to sing at them.

Suddenly we appear in one of the boys' rooms and Matt continues to sing.

"Laundry everywhere, on the floor and in the fish tank

But hey we don't care, because none of us want to clean them

Laundry everywhere, it's `cause we're lazy teenage boys leavin' our underwear

Our laundry everywhere!"

Suddenly, the scene changes to a park, because we suck with subtle transitions.

"With an albino at a playground knocking over ("HEY!" Near shouted) his dominoes

Now I am swinging on a swing set, I don't know why!

I'm really high!

No I don't mean drugs I just meant the height

Heigh height height height height heighte height" Matt jumped off the swings, landing dramatically as the music stopped, before singing again.

"This is Wammy's style!

Wammy's style

Wam wam wam wam

This is Wammy's style!

Wammy's style

Wam wam wam wam

This is Wammy's style!"

Suddenly, Matt and Mello appeared in a field for some random reason.

"_Heeeeeyyyy, I'm not a lady!"_

"Wam wam wam wam

This is Wammy's style!"

"_I'm a real blondie!"_

"Wam wam wam wam

This is Wammy's style!"

And… Cue teleportation into a parking lot!

"Dancing like a freak with my bestest buddy.

Crap, what did I step in I hope it's silly puddy.

Nope that's a piece of shit

And that's not all that sucks,

`cause this song is really cruddy!"

And teleport to - you guessed it - the elevator!

"I'm in an elevator!

But since we're in England it's called a lift

But the script says elevator!

Mello's above me acting whore-ish in an elevator!"

And now… BEHIND A BUSH!

"This whole song was thrown together in five minutes

Don't look at me, I'm doing my business!"

Come children, to the subway!

"We went off topic, but I'm a genius

So how am I singing all this crap?

Mello tries to murder Near

So he can be

Number One

But if he just killed him off it'd be no fun

Fun fun fun fun fun funf fun fun fun" Randomly, a girl comes up and slaps Matt to get him to stop repeating the word 'fun'

"This is Wammy's style!

Wammy's style

Wam wam wam wam

This is Wammy's style

Wammy's style

Wam wam wam wam

Wammy's style!"

Now we return to the field of baren boringness.

"_Heeeeeyyyyy I'm not a lady!"_

"Wam wam wam wam

This is Wammy's style!"

"_You haaaave no proof that I'm gay!"_

"Wam wam wam wam

Wammy's style!" When Matt said the last word, half of Russia exploded because we all love explosions and Russia's already pretty big so… Yeah.

**A/N: I did it! I wrote a parody :D**

**Near: But I was only there to be abused…**

**Me: Well maybe you should've come to the auditions then. At least you were in it, unlike L.**

**L: Who needs crappy music when I have cake? *Starts crying in the corner***

**Me: O.O**

**Near: O.O**

**L: T – T review or the next chapter will just be me crying… And give Raven some ideas so that doesn't actually happen!**


	23. CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

**A/N: CHRISTMAS SPECIAL! Even if you don't celebrate Christmas it should be funny :)**

**Oh, and a big shout out to my apparent fangirl, Misguided Shinigami, who left a boatload of reviews. As kai lan would say, "You make my heart feel super happy"**

**Heheh… Quotes. Oh and from a while ago, yes, the answer is 53 congratulations people with basic math skills ;)**

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a Mello. Because Mello totally rhymes with house.

Around midnight, Roger (who had packed on a few more pounds) forced himself through the doorway of the institute, sporting a bright red jumpsuit and a fluffy white cat clinging to his face.

He was carrying a sack, full of boxes. Inside those boxes, was nothing but air, Roger believed air would be a great present for the boys, seeing as they need it to survive.

He dropped the sack under the Christmas tree (*cough* twig *cough*) and proceeded to raid the fridge for baked goods and cow juice. Within minutes, he had gained another twenty-five pounds.

And that, kids, is why diets were invented.

Back to Christmas. Near had heard the banging and crashing Roger was making and crept down to the kitchen, looking all bright-eyed and innocent. He let out a childish gasp. "Santa?"

Roger turned around, half a turkey hanging from his mouth. "Say what?" he responded.

The albino threw himself at Roger. "Oh Santa, it's you! I thought you liked cookies, not turkey, but who cares!"

'Santa' was freaking out now, since he was horrible with children and had no soul. But Near didn't notice and continued to rant about how great the magical fat man was.

"Oh I can't believe I'm actually talking to you and not those posers at the mall! You feel a lot greasier than I would expect, and your beard seems to have a face, but I'll look past that and just savor the moment!" Near grinned and stared expectantly at 'Santa' "So… aren't you gonna ask me what I wasn't for Christmas?"

Before 'Santa" could respond, the real one burst through the door. "Not so fast, mall poser!" he cried. "I am the real Santa Claus and I refuse to let you lie to that freakishly pale child any longer!" And without warning, the real one pounced at Roger, squishing both him and Near.

Roger sprang back up and started clawing at Claus's face (heheheh…) but Near couldn't move, since he had been crushed into a Near-cake.

The battle of Santa vs. Fat man continued on for about two minutes before both of them were too exhausted to go on, and crawled over to the kitchen so they could regain they're energy by eating a full Christmas dinner.

Suddenly, an actual mall-poser Santa appeared in front of Near in a burst of sparkles and lucky charms. He pulled Near off the ground and he became 3-D again and sat on his lap.

"So, what do you want for Christmas?" The mall-poser asked.

"All I want for Christmas this year is another kidney, because mine is failing," Near gave him puppy dog eyes and a little tear.

Mall-poser Santa teared up too, and placed a small box in Near's hands before dissipating in a puff of butterflies and popcorn.

Near eagerly opened the box good-spiritedly and Christmasy or whatever. And inside the box was… absolutely nothing.

But Near smiled nonetheless. Because what he wanted for Christmas was inside him all along. Because he wanted another kidney, and well, you have two of them to begin with.

##

On Christmas morning, Mello, Matt, and Yoshi came downstairs to find a dead Santa and Roger in the kitchen. Apparently, it's difficult to eat a twelve course meal in five minutes and survive.

**A/N: The end! This chapter was a little rushed since I hadn't been able to type for a while and I wanted a Christmas chapter out by Christmas Eve. So this was written in about half an hour. I'll probably come back and edit it later (like completely change it).**

**But for now, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and don't set the Christmas tree on fire!**

**Seriously, it's a bad idea. But reviewing is a good one hint hint ;)**


	24. It's Bonding Time!

**A/N: Hello, lovely readers! I have returned to you with a chapter that was written ages ago, but never typed up and posted! Please enjoy ;D**

**By the way, sorry about the fail earlier, that chapter was for a different story *sweatdrop***

"MELLO, WHERE DID YOU PUT YOSHI?" Matt screamed whilst tackling the blond.

"Um… NEAR DID IT!" Mello retorted, standing up again.

"Why would I believe that?"

"Because he's albino…?" Mello got a punch in the face for that.

Matt sighed. "Dammit, Mello, would you stop hating on Near!"

"NEVER! I can't beak character that badly!"

"Well you just broke the fourth wall that badly." Matt scolde. "You know what? I'm sick of your hatred of Near, and your hippie-dippie hair, and your too-tight pants… I'M GONNA DUMP YOU IN THE THERAPY BOX WITH NEAR!"

Mello dropped to his knees. He looked up at the sky with a tear in his eye and screamed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHY?" he then curled up into a pitiful blond ball.

#Later that day in a giant steel cage, er, the therapy box#

Mello was continuously kicking the wall with his now broken foot while Near sat in a corner, being creepy. After a chorus of swear words, Mello fell to the floor. "Oh I'm doomed to die cold and alone in a box with Near! What a world, what a world!"

Near, huddled in his corner, didn't even look up. "melo, we are Death Note characters, meaning no matter how OOC you become, you are not the wicked witch of the west."

"Ugh, whatever," Mello groaned as he dragged himself over to Near's corner. "What're you doing?"

"Drawing." Near plainly stated.

"On the wall?"

"Yes."

"…Can I see it?"

Near sighed. "Sure." He moved out of the way to reveal a pink, purple, and blue drawing of a unicorn with three horns. "It's my Quadricorn."

"You mean your Tricorn. It only has three horns."

"Only three on it's head, yes, but that doesn't mean it's not my Quadricorn."

"Yes it does, because tri means three and quad means four. It clearly has only three horns on it's head."

"Well what if I told you it was a boy?" Near asked, practically screaming 'here's the punch line!'

A look of realization spread across Mello's face. "Oh…"

#An amount of time later#

Mello and Near were sitting in the middle of the box, having a conversation that beat the fourth wall to a tiny, pathetic, pulp.

"This story's really been going down hill," Mello complained. "I mean, the readers/reviewers don't seem to think so, but the Authoress has been bumming out about it lately. She says the story's been less random and the jokes are shriveling up…"

"We'll just have to fix that then, won't we?" Near replied while snapping his fingers, causing the two boys to appear in a grassy field of daffodils, rabbits, and pork chops. They then joined hands with the Power Puff Girls and started playing 'ring around the rosies'.

"You know this game is about the bubonic plague, right?" Near informed them. Upon hearing this, Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup all turned to dust.

Suddenly, a gigantic throne rose out of a pile of pork chops. On the throne was a gigantic L with a miniature Light in a maids outfit on this shoulder.

"My little heirs," l boomed, "The time has come for me to test you. LIGHT USE YOUR LOG RAY!"

"Yes sir!" Light responded, shooting tons of logs from his fingertips.

Without breaking a sweat, Mello and Near dodged the wave of logs before making them explode with their mind powers from back in chapter 2.

Sasuke sat in a corner and gaped. He'd been trying to beat the log for years. His sorrow didn't last long though, because Near mistook him for a log and blew him up too.

L smiled before turning into a ton of butterflies that flew away. Light, having been on his shoulder, fell a few hundred feet before getting eaten by pork chops.

It had since become evening, and Mello and Near were relaxing on a hill top, watching the sunset.

"This whole bonding thing wasn't that bad," Mello confessed.

"Yes, but the readers are probably going to mistake this for some fluffy yaoi/shonen ai scene," Near responded.

Mello tensed up. "But the Authoress likes that sort of thing… You don't think she's gonna make us-!"

Near smiled. "I knew it was a good idea to tie a bomb to my chest."

"You did what?" Mello asked before Near exploded, blowing himself, the blond, and the pork chops to pieces.

#Back at Wammy's House#

Matt opened a closet. "Yoshi, I finally found you! Wait, what's on your back?"

Matt and Yoshi then exploded because it was a bomb.

#In Japan#

Misa and Takada then exploded because it's a new trend to attach bombs to yourself.

#Somewhere in the sky#

Remember all those butterflies that L turned into? Well they were carrying a bomb and they all exploded.

#In a cardboard box under your bed#

This is where we stash all of the characters no one really cares about, the extras, ect. Along with them, there is a bomb. And when that bomb counted down to zero, all of the lame characters… You guessed it.

.

.

.

.

.

Turned into lime Jell-O.

**A/N: The end! I got the log idea from CareBearCara101's review :3 So please review!**

**Man, my fingers forgot how to type… I keep skipping spaces and adding weird letters…**

**Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get some new glasses since mine are being held together with a piece of string. Yay string!**


	25. Crack Wars, the Death Wars

**A/N: Just an FYI, this is NOT a clone wars parody, just a Star Wars parody. And it's only what I can vaguely remember having not watched it in years. So it'll be something like:**

"**Ow, you just cut off my hand!"**

"**Who cares, because I am your father!"**

"**What? NOOOOOOO!"**

**Yeah. So, why don't you read the actual story now?**

**I own nothing except Fabyo, Andy of the Alpacas, and the Smiefs (They're basically red Smurfs. Long story for another time.)**

* * *

There was once a young blond boy who lived on some desert planet with some random couple. This boy dreamed of being a detective and harnessing the power of the force to rob candy stores across the galaxy. He went by many names, but most people knew him as that-gay-asshole-who-desperately-needs-anger-management-classes.

But to make things easier, we'll just call him Mello.

One day, Mello and that old dude he lives with went out to buy a nerd from some stubby looking aliens. They found a tall gold guy and some red-headed dude that were a good price (*cough*dirt cheap *cough*). However, the red-head seemed totally useless, so the gold guy started to try and convince Mello to buy him.

"I promise, good sir, that he is a fine worker. Isn't that right, Matt?" the gold guy asked, turning to the other nerd.

"Shut up, tin man, I've almost reached the level cap," he responded, not looking up from his game station.

And since Mello had anger management problems, he randomly ripped the gold guy to shreds and dragged Matt home without bothering to pay.

While in Mello's bedroom, the blond decided to start a conversation. Because he's civilized like that. "So… do you crap in a litter box, toilet, or outside?" he asked Matt nonchalantly.

"None of those. I am a nerd, so I have no need for food, and thus, I do not produce 'crap'."

"Sweet, that means no chores for me," Mello grinned. Suddenly, the chorus of the original Pokémon theme song started playing. "AAAAHHHHH!" Mello shrieked in a very feminine manner. "What the hell is that?"

Matt pulled a device from his pocket. "Chill dude, it's just my cell phone. Hey, I got a new video message from the princess."

The boys watched as an albino kid appeared on screen and began to speak.

"Help me, Matsuda-san, you're my only hope." He said.

Matt rolled his eyes. "Looks like he texted the wrong number again."

"Who's Matsuda?" Mello asked.

"Oh just some creepy old guy who lives around here and likes to kidnap children. You wanna go meet him?"

"Um, YEAH!" Mello responded excitedly. "Let's go!"

#Later, somewhere in the desert#

"YO, MATSUDA!" Matt yelled.

Matsuda then appeared in a cloud of smoke with a taco in his hand. "Yo," he greeted.

"This is Mello," Matt gestured to the blond. "Now take us to Near `cuz he's in danger or something."

"Oh, uh, sure," Matsuda responded while pulling out a script. "Luke, er, Mello! Your father was a detective who could use the force and stuff. Here's a magic sword type thing." Matsuda handed him a lightsaber. "Now follow me to the really lazy time skip!"

However, before they could reach the really lazy time skip, Mello started whimpering. "Ow, the sword burned my tongue!"

Matt facepalmed. "Dude, you're not supposed to lick it! Gimme that, you can fight with these fuzzy dice instead."

"Ooh, they're fluffy!"

#One really lazy time skip later#

Our heroes had appeared in a bar because they can't just time skip to their destination and bars are the perfect place to find people like taxi and bus drivers.

After scanning the crowd, Mello's eyes lit up. "What about him?" he asked while pointing to some guy with red eyes who was brutally stabbing someone's dead carcass with a steak knife.

Matsuda smiled. "Sure, he looks like a perfectly safe escort." They all approached the serial killer.

"What's up?" Matt greeted.

The man dropped the dead carcass and looked them each in the eye. "Hello there. My name is Beyond Birthday. Do any of you want to die?"

"No thanks," Matsuda responded. "But would you mind flying us to the Death Sphere to save the princess?"

"Sure, but it'll cost you, and you have to let me bring my hairy sidekick."

"Here's a jar of jam." Matsuda handed him the jar and BB's eyes were replaced with little hearts. "So where's the wookie?"

"Oh, I don't have a wookie," BB smiled. "I have a legion of Vikings."

Matt, Mello, and Matsuda looked behind BB to see 23 vikings pillaging the bar and getting drunk.

"How did we miss that?" Matt wondered. "And why does that Viking have such smooth legs?"

BB grimaced. "Oh, that's Fabyo, he's new."

"Well how did he pass the test you take in order to actually become a Viking?"

Fabyo looked at them and struck a pose. "Because I'm fabulous, Darling! They call me Fabyo the Fabulous around here, and these are my not-nearly-as-fabulous-as-I-am hairy followers!"

Everyone else in the room stopped what they were doing at stared at Fabyo. Their left eyes twitched three times before he was covered in violent, bloodthirsty alpacas.

BB smirked. "Thanks for that, Andy of the Alpacas."

Andy nodded and directed us toward another lazy time skip.

#ANOTHER really lazy time skip later#

The four men and the legion of Vikings had arrived at the Death Sphere, done some stuff, found Near, and were now covered in garbage for some reason (**A/N**: **this is where I start forgetting**). Suddenly, by the power of cupcakes, they were in a hall or something in the Death Sphere along with a guy in a black cloak and a weird mask.

Matsuda gasped. "Darth-Kira! At last, we meet again, and now, I shall destroy you!" He brought out a lightsaber and charged.

Darth-Kira took out a piece of notebook paper, scribbled something on it, and in moments, Matsuda had disappeared.

Near gasped. "he must've written his name in the Death Note!"

Darth-Kira chuckled. "No, I wrote Britney Spears's name in the Death Note, and Matsuda's only purpose for living is to worship her; So once she dies, he does too!"

"Wow…" Mello drawled sarcastically. "I really don't care, but I'll kill you with my fuzzy dice anyway!"

Matt held him back. "No, you must first train with a Smurf."

"… Really?"

"Yes. NOW GO!" Mello was then teleported to a Smurf village where his anger management problems kicked in and he began destroying everything. The Smurf's neighbors, the Smiefs, just laughed, before their entire village was destroyed by kittens. Cute and cuddly kittens with little bows in their fur. How degrading.

Suddenly, it was some amount of time later and Mello teleported back to the Death Sphere to confront Darth-Kira.

"Darth-Kira, I don't really have anything against you since I don't care about Matsuda or Britney Spears, but I do have anger management problems and fuzzy dice, so prepare to be die… of humiliation when I beat you in a game of rock paper scissors!" Mello challenged, being totally serious.

Dart-Kira laughed as maniacally as one can after being challenged to a children's game. "I accept your challenge, but it is YOU who shall die of embarrassment!"

They readied themselves and in unison, yelled:

"Rock…

Paper…

Scissors…

SHOOT!"

Mello had played paper, because that's what his chocolate bars were wrapped in, and Darth-Kira had played scissors so he would win. He then proceeded to cut off Mello's hand with his finger-scissor-things.

Mello just stared at where his hand used to be with his mouth wide open in shock. "Oh and by the way," Darth-Kira said, "Apparently, I'm your father. Now excuse me while I go die and save the universe."

And he did save the universe. It ended in his honorable death and he had deep reasons for doing so, but we're not going to go into that because it's boring, unlike Mello's fuzzy dice which he didn't really have use for.

And that, kids, is where babies come from.

* * *

**A/N: So there you have it! I hope you liked my parody of the last 3 movies~**

**Oh, and by the way, I want to make a chapter about 100 ways to kill a gummy bear besides eating it. I have around 30 ways right now, so if anyone has an idea, leave it in a review!**


	26. Truth or Dare and Other Random Crap

**A/N: I feel horrible for not updating in like two weeks and the gummy bear thing isn't done yet, so I threw this together (which means it's extra random :D**) **So, uh, please enjoy this story which I own nothing in.**

* * *

Near, Matt, Light, and L were all sitting in a circle playing 'Go Fish' when Mello burst into the room shouting, "GUYS, DROP WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU'RE DOING! WE'RE GONNA PLAY A REALLY AWESOME, MANLY GAME TOGETHER!"

Near twirled his hair. "And what game would this be Mello?"

"Truth. Or. Dare." Mello stated dramatically. "The most masculine activity in existence. MATT!" Mello pointed at the red head, poking him in the eye. "Truth or dare?"

"Ow, uh, truth."

"What color is your hair?"

"Well… In cannon it's brown, but in the fandom it's red… But I'm in the fandom right now… But brown is cannon and cannon is basically fact… But I'm in the fandom where facts don't exist… AAUGH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ANYMORE!" Matt screamed the ending.

Since he was unable to fulfill his task of telling the truth, Matt had to go sit in the Corner of Shame for twenty minutes… WITHOUT VIDEO GAMES!

Mello scanned the circle of now terrified men, looking for his next victim. "Hm… L, truth or dare?"

"Dare," the detective answered immediately.

"I dare you to punch Near in the face!" Mello ordered. L complied instantly with a smile on his face. Near got a black eye, curled up, and started to cry.

L turned to Light. "Kira, truth or dare?"

"I'M NOT KIRA but I pick dare."

"I dare you to break Amane-san's heart into a million little pieces," L smirked.

Light stood up and left the room. A few minutes later, he came back with a picture and showed it to L. It was a photograph of a bunch of little red gooey things, each labeled 1 through 1 million. "There's Misa's heart," Light announced.

Mello just stared at him with a wtf look plastered to his face. L muttered "Up 35%..."

Light attempted to smile cutely and innocently before turning to Mello. "Truth or dare blondie?"

"Dare, obviously, dipshit."

"Uh… I dare you too… NUKE RUSSIA!"

"Russia? What'd they ever do to you?" Mello asked.

"My roommate in college was Russian and he wouldn't share any of his cupcakes…" Light pouted.

L looked up. "Uh, Light-kun? That was me, and I'm not Russian."

"WELL RUSSIA DESTROYED ENGLAND'S CURSED CHAIR ALRIGHT?!" Light yelled spastically, clearly having been watching too much Hetalia.

Mello opened his brief case containing his personal stash of nuclear codes and typed it in so a nuke would strike Moscow in ten minutes.

##

Ten minutes later, in Moscow, twenty pairs of underwear fell from the sky and (somehow) began kicking all the elephants in all the zoos throughout the country.

Shocked? You shouldn't be. Everyone knows that a nuke is an acronym for Ninja Underwear Kicks Elephants.

##

Back to the manly game of manliness that is never played at little girls sleepovers ever. Mello glared at Near. "Truth or dare, Turd?"

Near sighed. "I can't believe I'm saying this but… Dare."

Mello's face lit up with a smile. "I dare you to…" he trailed off and whispered the rest in Near's ear. Near went wide-eyed for a moment, but nodded his head in agreement before leaving the room.

##

Near had walked into a big empty white room. Watari then used his magical powers to summon about a hundred pandas into that very room. They all stared at Near, who was in the middle of them all. No one moved or even made a sound.

A few minutes later, Near raised both of his hands slowly so that both palms were facing outward and were in front of both his shoulders. "I am one of you," he stated plainly in monotone.

In unison, all of the pandas raised their paws in the same gesture and roared.

"Rawr," Near said with an emotionless face.

##

When Near had come back, he glared at Mello. "Mello, I am going to assume you will choose dare," he stated quickly, "and I dare you and Matt to… take a nice walk through that friendly knife forest over there."

Mello complied and dragged Matt along with him, who suddenly missed his corner of shame.

##

Eventually, the boys came running out of the knife forest and they were dripping in blood.

"Wow," Mello panted. "Who knew there would be angry bears in there too?"

"And don't forget the drunken swordsmen," Matt added.

"Yeah… This whole Truth or Dare thing kind of backfired."

Matt smirked. "No kidding. We should really get to a hospital."

"I can't, I'm bleeding out…" Mello chocked before he collapsed.

"SHIT MELLO, YOUR FACE LANDED ON MY FOOT!" Matt yelled. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HEAVY YOUR FACE IS?"

##

And so, when all was said and done, a pack of gerbils carried Matt and Mello to their safe house, nursed them back to health, and then bartered with the creators of Death Note that these characters would be safely returned if they became the new stars and the dominant species.

And so, Tsugumi Ohba complied and changed Death Note to Gerbil Note. When this happened, all of the gerbils in the real world decided to rise up against man kind and made all humans their slaves. Just look around you; it's true.

Will the humans ever rise up against their evil gerbil overlords? Will this story ever start getting regular updates? Will 2 + 2 ever equal sausage? Will the Authoress ever stop asking meaningless questions and let you get on with your lives?

The answers are no, no, maybe, and oh hell no.

Obey the gerbils and get back to work, you filthy humans.


	27. Beyond's Jacked Up Story Time

**A/N: Hey guys, welcome back to my cracktastic little world! And guess who's now on the favorites list of 20 people? ME! :D I could never get that many people to like me that much in real life! *sweat drop* I'm so happy~ my heart's all smiley~ and so are my intestines, bones, pancreas, kidneys, stomach, and various other organs!**

**Also, I noticed that the list of people who favorited me is in alphabetical order. I love it when things are organized like that :3**

**So, you should totally read this chapter now. Like now. Now. Now. Now. NOW DAMMIT! ;P (Oh and the gummy bear thing is STILL in progress. Heheh… heh.)**

* * *

In a time when the Wammy's boys were just pudgy little babies, BB would often like to visit them from his special mental assylum. Back then, Matt wasn't a chain smoker, and instead of playing video games, carried a giant Pikachu plushie around with him. Mello loved chocolate and his anger problems were slightly less severe. And Near was basically the same, except he was smaller and had bigger eyes.

Seriously, those things were HUGE. Like chibi eyes on steroids and various other drugs.

So during one of BB's visits, the three of them decided to use their cuteness to make him tell them a story. They all clung to BB's knee. "BB?" Mello began. "Will you tell us a story?"

BB smiled down at him. "I don't know any stories Mello."

Matt nudged Near, whispering "Use your puppy dog eyes." And Near used those puppy dog eyes. His eyes grew to almost the size of his whole head and began tearing up a little. BB looked away before he could squee and fanboy obnoxiously.

"Sorry Near, I'm not going for it."

Baby Mello pulled out a gun and pointed it at Near's head. "Tell us a story or the albino eats lead."

BB sweat dropped. "Okay, okay. Now let's see…"

"Once upon a time, in a magical land full of lollipops, rainbows, and zombies, there were three little pigs. These pigs were named Mistake, Accident, and Broken-Condom because their parents were assholes."

Clearly, BB has never heard of censorship.

"One day, Mistake and Accident got into a big fight. Mistake was trying to play darts, but Accident's head got in the way. They clawed and bit and punched each other until Broken-Condom finally decided to intervene. He pulled the two pigs away from each other and was about to give them a speech about how you should 'treat others as you wish to be treated' and how you should 'never harm your family since they love you' or some shit, but before he could, a bunch of cows fell from the sky. The three pigs were so distracted by the falling bovines that they forgot they were ever mad at each other."

Mello decided to interrupt. "How were cows falling from the sky?"

"Um… Because the three pigs had… uh… Angered Rem, the god of cows! And to get back at them, Rem made it rain cows!" BB exclaimed feeling pretty pleased with himself.

Matt stared up at him. "What did they do to anger Rem?" he asked.

"Well they… they… Stole her sacred cheese of course! Her special cheese that can only be made from the milk of her ruby-red cow. And if you eat the sacred cheese, you have a fifty percent chance of being granted immortality!"

"What's the other fifty percent?" all three boys asked simultaneously.

"That you will be absorbed in a ball of green fire and suffer unimaginably for the rest of eternity. So anyway, the three dogs-"

"You mean pigs," Near corrected.

"Yeah pigs, whatever. The three pigs had taken cover under a giant mushroom and were about to eat the cheese. Broken-Condom split the cheese into three pieces and gave one to each of his brothers. Mistake was the first to try it. He popped it in his mouth and was immediately engulfed in green flames. Not wanting him to burn down their mushroom, the other two pushed him out into the sea of cows."

"Accident was the next to eat his cheese. He too was engulfed in the flames and disappeared quickly. Now Broken-Condom was the only one left. He wondered if he should eat the cheese and possibly suffer, or not eat it and live the rest of his life wondering what could've happened if he did."

Mello was now getting impatient. "Just make him eat the god damned cheese!" he all but yelled.

"Alright, alright," BB continued. "Broken-Condom ate the cheese and he too was engulfed in green flames. And it hurt, like, really bad. Because he was on fire and stuff. And fire hurts."

"Anyway, once the pain ended, Broken-Condom awoke to find himself in an empty field with his two brothers. Their eternal punishment was this: To each build really stupid and pitiful houses in competition with one another and then be judged by buckets of fried chicken. And fried chicken is a really harsh judge."

"Accident laughed and picked up a bunch of Dragon Ball Z action figures. 'Heheh I'll build my kickass house out of these!' he bragged. Mistake responded by walking over to a pile of doorknobs and saying 'Well I'll build mine out of these and throw the extras at your ugly head!'."

Mello was getting so many ideas from this.

"So Broken-Condom was standing alone in the field trying to decide what to build his house with. He saw piles of wood, bricks, straw, and concrete, but decided those would never do the job as well as doorknobs and geek dolls. But then he had an awesome idea: He could kill his brothers and build a house out of their flesh! That would surely be the most effective way to execute this task (no pun intended)."

BB went on to describe the horrible scene of murder that took place, involving much clawing out of eyes and biting of necks. Matt and Near's jaws droped while Mello started to take notes.

"Finally, Broken-Condom had finished brutally murdering his brothers when he realized that there wasn't enough meat to make a house," BB continued like there was nothing at all wrong with his fairy tale. "So when the fried chicken arrived to judge them and found that there were no houses, Broken-Condom was set on fire again; but this time, he couldn't die and the fire couldn't be put out. So Broken-Condom suffered for the rest of eternity. And his asshole parents didn't care. The end," Beyond smiled when the story was over.

Matt stared up at him, before bluntly stating, "I didn't like that story. Tell us a different one."

BB growled. He had really put some effort into that sick, twisted, scar-you-for-life story. "Fine. Once upon a time, fuck you, the end." BB then stormed out of the room to go blow off some steam by murdering that family that lives across the street.

And they all lived happily ever after – except for the family that BB murdered and all of his other victims, and the three pigs Mistake, Accident, and Broken-Condom, and that puppy who Watari accidentally ran over after robbing a drug store. But other than that, yeah.


	28. Satan's Son is the Master of Potatoes

**A/N: Sorry for the lack of updates recently, I've been pretty pre-occupied (and lazy). As a result, I'm still working on the gummy bear murder chapter (coughprocrastinatingcough). Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

* * *

"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the R.A.A.E.L.T.C.O, otherwise known as the Really Awesome and Excessively Long Titled Cook Off!" Matt announced to the raging crowd around him as he stood in the center of what should have been an octagon for MMA fights. "In this corner, we have Light Yagami! Weighing in at 134 pounds, he's a super-serious college student and a grade-A pussy!"

Light pouted in his corner, much like a pussy would.

Matt grinned and gestured to his left. "And in this corner, we have L! Weighing in at who-knows-what pounds, he's a super detective who, despite all the sugar he eats, does not have diabetes!"

Light and L both marched to the center of the ring for instructions from the ref, Mello. "Alright guys, I'm supposed to say I want a nice, clean cook off, but that would be boring," Mello began. "So instead, I'm gonna tell you the truth. I want to see some hair pulling, arm biting, poisoning each other's cookies- hell, throw in some foreplay for the fangirls! Just make sure I don't get bored, or I'll kill you, Light."

"What about L!" Light complained.

"You're right… I'll kill you twice to make up for that. Now, GET TO YOUR STATIONS!" L and Light both ran back to their corners where they each had some basic kitchen appliances. "Ready… Set… COOK!" Mello yelled, starting the match.

Both men began fiddling with various appliances. Light tried to pre-heat the oven while L began the process of discovering what a blender was.

Miraculously, both of them had managed to make a meal. Light had made a baked potato, some french fries, mashed potatoes, fried potatoes, sliced potatoes, and a potato-shake. L had made a raw cucumber, which doesn't sound like much until you realize he was only given potatoes to work with.

The clock was counting down when Light let out a gasp. "Oh no, these grains of salt are too big!" he cried. "I'm done for!"

L raised an eyebrow at him. "Seriously? You're complaining about the size of your salt? There are some people in this world – like Beyond and those not lame vampires – who have to kill people and drink their blood to get salt. If you were with them, you'd probably be complaining, 'no, I want salt from the tears of orphans'!"

Light's face lit up. "That's a brilliant idea, L!"

"What?"

"Orphan tears! Mello, come here!" Light demanded.

Mello stood before him. "Yo."

Light stared at him grimly. "You will never be number one. Near will always be superior to you in intelligence, L's favor, and being an albino. You may as well give up on life."

A loud shattering sound, which must have been Mello's hopes and aspirations, reverberated through the room as he fell to his knees and began sobbing. "That's not fair! It's always been my dream to be an albino! Why, Yagami, why?" he sobbed.

Light caught his tears on his potatoes. "Yes! Now I'll win!"

"Light!" L yelled. "You can't just crush people's irrational, stupid hopes like that! Apologize!"

Light rolled his eyes. "Who are you, my mother?"

"YES!" L responded as he ripped off his disguise to reveal that he was, in fact, Sachiko Yagami. "Now say you're sorry!"

Light quietly apologized to Mello as he tried to stop his eyes from bleeding after witnessing the horrible sight of L transforming into his mother. "Mom, how long have you been impersonating L?"

Sachiko laughed. "There never was any L, sweetie. I was playing a prank on the whole world the entire time!"

"But… But…" Light stuttered. "But what about Watari?"

"He's a friend of mine from my sewing club!"

"But how did you manage to fool the entire world?"

"It's easy, since I am the dictator of it!" she responded. "You see, Germany actually won WWII and took over the world, and I am really…" Sachiko ripped off her disguise again to reveal her true identity.

Light gasped. "Adolf Hitler!"

"Not so fast! I'm not really Hitler since he died quite a long time ago. I'm really…" Hitler then ripped off his disguise to reveal his true TRUE identity.

Everyone in the room gasped. "Satan?"

"Yes it is I, Satan. Now Light, my son, join me and we will rule the universe together!"

At that very moment, Mello and Near realized they had been worshipping a detective who was really an old woman who was really a dictator who was really Satan; meaning they had been worshipping Satan since they were little. Upon coming to this conclusion, they threw themselves off a cliff and into a sea of potatoes. They were spikey potatoes, mind you.

At that point, L woke up in a cold sweat, screaming. Light, who had been sleeping next to him, stirred and sat up. "What's wrong, L?" he asked.

"Oh, Light-kun, I just had the most horrible dream! I dreamt that you and I were in a cooking contest and you made Mello cry, and I was actually Mrs. Yagami, but then I was actually Hitler, and then I became Satan and Mello and Near threw themselves off a cliff and you were my son!"

Light stared at him for a moment before chuckling. "Oh, that wasn't a dream… Dad."

Misa Amane then woke up in a cold sweat. "Oh my gosh, I just dreamed that Lighty was Satan's son and L had a dream and was Satan and I didn't have any role to play in this story!"

Suddenly, Tsugumi Ohba awoke in a cold sweat. "Oh my god… I just dreamed that somewhere in this world, there is someone completely butchering my story and twisting my characters around… And turning L into Satan! …Wow, did I really just say that? I'm not losing sleep over this."

L then awoke in a cold sweat. "AAH!" he screamed.

Light murmured under the covers. "What is it now, dad?"

"I just had a dream that I wasn't worth losing sleep over! Wait, _dad?"_

"I'm your son, lord Satan."

Silver (le authoress) then awoke in a cold sweat. "Holy crap, I just dreamt that I wrote a fanfiction with a running joke at the end and completely overdid it!" She then looked up at her computer screen.

Realization in 3… 2… 1…

"Fuck!"

* * *

**A/N: Sorry again for leaving you guys without crack for so long. But if you liked/disliked this chapter, leave me a review, okay? Pwease?**


	29. We're Off to See the Counselor!

**A/N: So… Gummy bear thing… All my notes/ideas got deleted… So I'm still working on it… Heheh… heh… Sorry this took so long**

**Lame author's note :( ON WITH THE STORY!**

* * *

Mello awoke surrounded by white softness. He couldn't tell what the white stuff was or where he was. He started squirming and struggling around, since the space seemed very compact. Suddenly, his soft, white world gave way on his left and he felt himself crash against the floor.

The moment Mello opened his eyes, Near was all in his face.

"AUGH!" He screamed. "What the hell, maggot?"

"Mello," Near began calmly, "what were you doing in my underwear drawer?"

"…What?"

"You just made my underwear drawer fall out of my dresser and are sitting in it," Near stated. "Why?"

"…" Mello looked around him and was quiet for a second before having a total spasm. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH OH MY GOD I INDIRECTLY TOUCHED NEAR'S BUTT! I WANT TO DIE!"

Near attempted to calm Mello down, but all he got was a roundhouse kick to the face.

And that is how Near ended up in intensive care and Mello ended up in counseling.

##

Mello squirmed in his seat. He'd been in the counselor's office for HOURS and all she had done was sit there, stare at him, and say 'hmm'.

Finally, the counselor spoke. "I know what's wrong with you," she said.

Mello was on the edge of his seat. "Well, spit it out, woman! Wait, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!"

"Sure there is. You are violent and spastic because you feel inferior to Near."

"…Bitch, I will eat your face." Was Mello's quaint response.

"Hmm, and a heavy layer of denial too…" she mumbled. "Anyway, you feel inferior to Near and are terrified to be beaten by him in any way, so you have a spasm whenever you think that might happen."

"You're insane! It must be something else!" Mello demanded.

"Well, it's either that or you're in love with him."

Mello struck a heroic pose. "I feel inferior to Near!"

The counselor smiled. "Yes. Yes you do. But now it's time to let go of that inferiority complex and have some confidence in yourself. Repeat after me: I am a strong, confident woman."

"I am a strong, confident woman," Mello repeated, very seriously.

This repeated another twenty times before the counselor decided to do something else.

That something, was pulling a stuffed sheep doll out from under her desk.

"Now," she said, "behold my sheep. Isn't he fluffy? Don't you want to be as fluffy as my sheep?"

"Not really… I don't care about your dumb sheep," Mello responded.

The counselor then taped a picture of Near's face to the sheep. "Behold, Near: the fluffiest sheep in the world. Don't you want to be as fluffy as he is?" the counselor teased. And in that moment, something inside Mello snapped.

"OH MY GOD, YES! I WANT TO BE THE FLUFFIEST MOTHER FUCKING SHEEP IN THE WORLD AND THEN I'LL KILL NEAR AND MAKE HIM INTO MY FLUFFY BED, AND THEN I'LL BURN HIM AND BURN WITCHES IN HIS FLAMES!" Mello yelled before lunging at the sheep doll and tearing it to pieces with his suddenly very pointy teeth.

The counselor, however, looked undeterred. "Ok, let's try something else," she muttered. She then sat Mello back in his seat and held up another picture of Near, because apparently, she had been stalking him and taking photos.

Mello lunged at the picture, but before he could kill it, the counselor squirted him with a spray bottle. "No. That's a bad Mello. Squirt squirt."

Mello hissed and retreated. The counselor smiled. "Good job, Mello! Now for your final test."

##

Back at the hospital, Near was taken into a large room full of mirrors in which he was to get changed back into his pajamas, since the doctors told him he could go. He had managed to get that weird dress thing they make you wear at hospitals off when he realized something.

Matt and Yoshi had taken all Near's clothes and cut them up to make collages, which was very ineffective, considering they were all white.

But it meant Near had no clothes.

Suddenly, he heard a door open and close, followed by a shrill scream.

Mello covered his eyes. "Oh my God, why? It's like fifty shades of Near! My eyes are bleeding!" With that, Mello broke one of the mirrors. As if in response, the sprinklers on the ceiling went off.

The counselor's voice came over the intercom. "No ,that's a bad Mello. Stop killing Near's reflection."

"But it burns!" Mello retorted. "It burns so bad!"

"No, Mello. You will sit there and be civilized," she responded.

"I'M SURROUNDED BY NAKED ALBINOS, HOW IS THIS CIVILIZED?"

"Don't worry, Mello. It's just reflections of naked albinos."

"THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY BETTER! I wish I'd eaten your face when I had the chance!"

Suddenly, the police broke down the door. "Freeze, you're under arrest for public nudity and failing at copying Naruto's harem-no-jutsu."

"What's a naruto?" Mello and Near asked in unison.

And they all lived happily ever after (in prison and most likely got raped or something in there too). The end.

* * *

**A/N: If anyone has any ideas for how to kill a gummy bear without eating it or just for another chapter, I'd love it if you told me in a review! Please and thank you!**


	30. Llama Crap Foreshadows

**A/N: I. Am. Sorry. I haven't updated in literally a month (and I haven't finished the gummy bear thing yet. It'll be done when it's done) but I hope this chapter is a bit of compensation for that :)**

**And holy crap, this is the 30th chapter, isn't it? *cue epic party with Yoshi in a hoop-skirt and dancing bananas raining down from the sky* WHOOT!**

**Warning: I reference Power Puff Girls for no reason other than I was bored and it seemed like a good idea at the time.**

* * *

In a world where fanfiction authors are struggling to think of creative intros to their stories, and crack is being improvised on the spot, some random crap happened. And what do I mean by random crap, you ask? I mean Light Yagami starring in the Broadway production of Swan Lake, Watari beating Misa Amane in a bathing suit competition, and Izawa attempting to play a part in this story and failing.

But this is not a story about any of that. Insert tears here.

Instead, this is a story that was previously going to be about Mello's romances with a chocolate bar, but somehow turned into this pile of llama crap.

And, ahem, in case you didn't catch that; LLAMA CRAP! I AM FORESHADOWING SOMETHING TO DO WITH LLAMAS AND MAYBE THEIR FECES!

Did you read that? You did? Good, then you can get on with your meaningless little life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Llama crap~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Llama crap~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Not chocolate~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once upon a time, in a magical land full of rainbows and sunshine and puppies, a nuclear bomb hit and completely destroyed everything. There was nothing but ash, blood, and post-apocalyptic movies. But then something emerged from the barren wasteland.

That's right: an army of ninja llamas. (FORESHADOWING COMPLETE!)

These llamas thrived off of the nothingness and generic movies, and had soon built an entire llama-ninja civilization. Word has it that they are currently plotting a strike against the other worlds/planets/magical lands to expand their civilization and generally be jerks. On one of those other worlds, a man named Watari decided he needed to take action. He resolved to create three heroes who could defeat these llama ninjas and save the universe.

Chocolate, brain cells, and a genetically engineered Pikachu: these were the ingredients chosen to make the universe's saviors, mostly because the store was fresh out of sugar, spice, and everything nice. And to spice things up, Watari added an extra ingredient to the concoction: chemical L (because chemical X is too mainstream).

And thus, the Wammy's boys were born! And using their super-genius powers, Mello, Near, and Matt were supposed to dedicate their lives to justice and llama destruction. Emphasis on "supposed to". Instead, the three boys reluctantly boarded the spaceship to magical llama-ninja land when Watari threatened to rape them if they didn't. I apologize for the mental image.

Once in space, the boys sat in the spaceship being boring. But just before they landed, Mello, Near, and Matt decided to put on their super-hero uniforms that Watari and knitted for them, which were green, pink, and blue respectively. Also, Near got a pretty little bow. Yay random, boring, please-get-on-with-the-stupid-story crap!

Once the spaceship touched down, they all emerged from it slowly and dramatically to that intense, dramatic astronaut music. As soon as their slow-motion walk was completed, they each got bitch slapped and completely destroyed by llama-ninjas and their hooves of shadows. Next thing they knew, they were locked up in a llama-ninja basement and chained to the walls.

Near furrowed his eyebrows. "I feel like we have been in this situation before…"

Mello nodded. "Yeah, but it's like it happened in a past life or something…" Matt nodded in agreement.

"I think you mean back in chapter one," called a voice from the far end of the cellar.

The boys turned toward it in shock. "W-Who are you?" Matt called.

"You mean you don't remember me? Well, let's see if you can guess. Am I:

a) L

b) The Authoress

c) Yoshi

d) David Bowie Sensei San Sama (KUN!)"

The boys looked at each other in confusion. "Uh, A?" Near guessed.

"INCORRECT!" the voice responded, causing baby llamas with insanely sharp teeth to fall from the ceiling and eat him. "Matt, you guess," it ordered.

"What? Um… C?" Matt guessed hesitantly.

"INCORRECT!" the voice yelled, about to murder the red-head.

"Wait!" Matt called. "Please don't kill me; my fangirls will be devastated!"

All was silent for a moment, as if the owner of the voice was contemplating this. "I don't care," it responded cheerfully as baby llamas gorged on his gamer flesh. "Your turn Mello."

"Oh hell no," Mello responded quickly.

"What?"

"I'm not guessing. I'll die."

"…Please?"

"No, Authoress, no!" Mello barked before realizing he had, technically guessed.

The voice chuckled. "Wrong! Death by baby llamas for you!" Mello was then eaten by adorable baby llamas who were getting fat from eating all these children.

Upon closer inspection, we now see that this voice came from Light Yagami, who cheated by not making himself an option to guess. He, like the others, was chained up in the llama-ninja basement. Unlike the others, he was wearing his torn up, Princess of Swan Lake dress (yes he was the princess).

Suddenly, the baby llamas started waddling adorably over to him. "What? No! Get away from me!" he yelled when they crawled on top of him. But instead of eating him like he thought they would, they all proceeded to crap out the children they just ate all over him. And what's worst of all is the llama-ninjas haven't invented showers yet.

So in the end, our heroes got eaten, Kira got pooped on, and the universe got taken over by llama-ninjas who did not believe in soap. And somewhere out there, there is a little family of llamas who are going to live happily ever after.

You know, until BB leads his rebel forces in a last ditch effort attack on all of llama kind. But that's a story for another day.

So as far as the llamas know, they all lived happily ever after. The end


End file.
